I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand

I'm sitting here in apartment #417 which according to the lease, and the amount of money I have spent, is mine. Listening to Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. Have you ever actually listened to the words of that song? It is empowering. Empowering like an Alanis song. Empowering like of course I'm going to think about why I decided to move here and do this and risk this but I feel like I am writing a book so I can make it end exactly how I want.

REALISM.

When I don't blog for 2 months and no one says anything to me I know that I am talking to the air. It's a definite relief because talking to no one is far easier than having an audience.

If I had to choose a movie that characterized the last year of my life it would be "He's Just Not That Into You". This isn't meant to be a pity part for me, but rather a necessary reality check. You see, I tend to feel that I can make anyone feel the way that I want. This comes from years of manipulation, and a somewhat far fetched romantic story about a guy who didn't like a girl for months and then one day after 4-wheeling in the desert decided he loved that girl and they got married despite opposition and age gap. They got married and lived out their dreams in Texas and had 6 bright, brilliant children.

While driving with my Mother and sister last night we began discussing a certain male suitor who I've spent a portion of my 20's waiting on and the woman from that romantic story spoke up.

Cinderella: You never know, sometimes men aren't attracted to you for a long time and then they just flip a switch.

Sister: You're the exception

Cinderella: No, it happens.

Sister enters into an exhausting recap of Gennifer Goodwin's reality check in that epic scene where she has muffin in her hair and realizes that she is the rule, not the exception. That women who live in the world of thinking they are the exception, end up being disappointed at every turn.

Relationships aren't meant to WOW! or change the rules, they are meant to fulfill and procreate. Perhaps the "waiting" that is happening all around the world (of BYU) by young women who wish to not be overlooked, should actually be a proactive venture of setting your own standard, and when the time comes, sacrificing everything you have and jumping in head first with no hesitation or remembrance of the pain it took to get there.

sundeeeee

TOP THINGS ON MY MIND

food.

vacation spots (did you know you can rent islands around the world?)

Family Service International

Why am I here? Shouldn't I be in Texas?

College was fun

I always get random texts on Sunday night. people must be lonely

Delicate: Damien Rice

We got a new family member. Meet Sir Henri Wentworth. The most precious little loveable man you could ever want.



currently obsessed with

over spending on clothes

looking at potential vacation spots

picking out what dog i will get

sublets

beat of my own drum

got a phone call that made me pensive.. made me want to escape.. made me want to crawl out of my skin and into a different life where people don't effect me and no one can tell me what to do or how to feel by just dialing my number.. made me angry.. made me start looking for flights to somewhere else.. somewhere where the sun is shining and my body is bronze and the work is not stressful. and for some reason i feel stifled by people around me. i need to be by myself. i need to feel free. i need to see the sun rise over martin's cove. i need to drive far away with kyria and swim in a beach.

Motherhood: Part 2

It means that if they need to be held, they run to you. It means that they think every pokemon card is the funniest thing ever, they giggle their mini giggle and show you. It means that they are easily teachable and will use words like obedience and reverence and faith. It means they will pray for their parents and their cousin and their teacher and the bugs and the trees. It means having mini Food Network and everyone pitching in to cook dinner and giving a 6 year old a knife to cut onion and she slices her finger and cries until she realizes "chefs get hurt sometimes". It means 4 children finding a pile of bricks and throwing them at the house until I appear with a box and ask them to please clean up and they oblige saving me a lot of bending over. It means smiles and laughs and innocence and wondering if we were all that young and beautiful.