Someday

I know there will come a day where I will look at my baby and think: "there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. No amount of pain could ever make me regret bringing you into this world." 

For now, though, I am just tired. 

Let it out

I love to write. Unfortunately, writing has never been a strength of mine- I never excelled in English or grammar classes- but I've always believed there is power that comes from turning your thoughts into words and preserving those words in a forum that is open and connects you with other people. I used to use this site as such a forum. I loved sorting through topics that were on my mind; belief, television, food, politics, family, jokes- and talking about it in a way that helped me understand myself. 

Then people started to read the words I was writing. Duh, right? You put things on the Internet with your name and they get found. It wasn't a lot of people by any means, but it was enough that made me feel vulnerable and exposed. So much so that I shut down that outlet. It was sad to me to do that but I wasn't prepared for feedback on my thoughts, I just wanted them written and maybe for my mom to read so she would think I wasn't crazy (didn't happen). 

I don't know where my thoughts go now- I think many stay inside and others are spoken in long rants of incoherence.. Some, the more prominent ones, are still written in a private place free from judgment. 

I am still not comfortable with the stereotype associated with blogging. I still don't enjoy the vulnerability and exposure of your name and feelings being out there for the world to search. But I do like to connect my mind with those around me to better understand myself and, perhaps, in turn try to better understand others. Plus, for Christmas, in lieu of buying my sister a gift, I promised her I would post on here 5 times. So there's that. 

Babel by Mumford and Sons

When the new Mumford and Sons cd came out a few months ago, I was a bit disappointed. It didn't really speak to me the way past Mumford has. I blamed myself, mostly, because there is no way they can produce anything besides mind blowing perfection. Admittedly, I didn't put in the time to appreciate it.. Usually when I get new music, I spend an hour laying in bed with the lights off listening to it and deciding how I feel (ex. Thank Me Later, Speak Now, Sigh No More, anything Alanis Morissette and Tha Carter III), which I didn't do with Babel.

 

On Wednesday I decided to revisit and attempt to recapture the emotion of the music. Laying in bed with the lights off doesn't feel like an option these days, so I decided to get on the treadmill and not get off until I had fallen in love.

 

..on a side note, I'm going to start approaching relationships with the vigilance I do music.

 

Here's my take.

 

Favorite songs:

5. I Will Wait

4. Below My Feet

3. Lover's Eyes

2. Not With Haste

1. Lover in the Light

Bonus Fav: Reminder

I want Lover in the Light to play at my wedding.

Below my Feet reminds me of my relationship with my dad over the last 2 years.

Not with Haste is the ideal anthem for my life.

So glad I put in the time to fall for it. Been on repeat ever since. I highly recommend you purchase this album.

on love.

At dinner the other night my friend overheard a comment I made in passing to Carly and repeated it loud.

"What?! You don't believe you can be in love?"

Out of context, albeit, we began a conversation that has been on my mind for a couple of weeks. The premise of that conversation being that when you are supremely out of love, it is hard to remember what it feels like to be on the opposite side of the spectrum.

"Elyse, I've SEEN you in love. I know you know you can fall in love," he continues.

Yes. Yes. I remember the feelings, but it's just so different every time.

The problem is I've only ever felt selflessly in love once. And it was dangerous and unrequited, so I can not picture the type of relationship that I dream about. I can't picture what I will do or say or what he will want, because it's a stranger to me. In a way, I am happy about this. If I had the kind of relationship I truly want and then lost it, that would be the ultimate tragedy.

sunny and bright and beautiful

this weekend was spent in California with the woman who raised me.

my mom. such a babe. she cracks me up. our relationship has changed quite a bit over the last couple of years and today we just have a good time most of the time. she brings out a very silly side of me, and i her, to where we end up laughing really hard a lot.

i'm so grateful for a mother who allows her 25 year-old daughter to call her Mommy, who shares my love of hotel beds and netflix, who is working really hard to not be too "matchy matchy", who listens and talks and loves hard.

BELIEF

remember the last election day? my first time voting? when my boyfriend broke up with me for the day because he was racist? and then took me to the Four Seasons for dinner because he felt bad? that was silly.

this time i'm humbled and grateful to be apart of the free world. the nation that was founded upon our ability to act, believe, and vote how we want. i'm feeling tolerant of people who disagree with me, and especially tolerant of my past self who i don't agree with now.

i've been listening to Belief by John Mayer today. this is my reminder that everyone believes in how they think it ought to be. the goal is not to believe in the same thing, the goal is to find commonalities and peace among our differences.

If you don't want to watch, at least read it:

 

Is there anyone who

Ever remembers changing there mind from

The paint on a sign?

Is there anyone who really recalls

Ever breaking rank at all

For something someone yelled real loud one time

 

Everyone believes

In how they think it ought to be

Everyone believes

And they're not going easily

 

Belief is a beautiful armor but makes for the heaviest sword

Like punching under water you never can hit who you're trying for

 

 Some need the exhibition

And some have to know they tried

It's the chemical weapon

For the war that's raging on inside

 

Everyone believes

From emptiness to everything

Everyone believes

And no ones going quietly

 

We're never gonna win the world we're never gonna stop the war

We're never gonna beat this if belief is what we're fighting for

Blue Hair, Don't Care