BELIEF

remember the last election day? my first time voting? when my boyfriend broke up with me for the day because he was racist? and then took me to the Four Seasons for dinner because he felt bad? that was silly.

this time i'm humbled and grateful to be apart of the free world. the nation that was founded upon our ability to act, believe, and vote how we want. i'm feeling tolerant of people who disagree with me, and especially tolerant of my past self who i don't agree with now.

i've been listening to Belief by John Mayer today. this is my reminder that everyone believes in how they think it ought to be. the goal is not to believe in the same thing, the goal is to find commonalities and peace among our differences.

If you don't want to watch, at least read it:

 

Is there anyone who

Ever remembers changing there mind from

The paint on a sign?

Is there anyone who really recalls

Ever breaking rank at all

For something someone yelled real loud one time

 

Everyone believes

In how they think it ought to be

Everyone believes

And they're not going easily

 

Belief is a beautiful armor but makes for the heaviest sword

Like punching under water you never can hit who you're trying for

 

 Some need the exhibition

And some have to know they tried

It's the chemical weapon

For the war that's raging on inside

 

Everyone believes

From emptiness to everything

Everyone believes

And no ones going quietly

 

We're never gonna win the world we're never gonna stop the war

We're never gonna beat this if belief is what we're fighting for

days go by

This weekend marked the 53rd year since my Dad was born. I've been thinking for a while exactly what that means. Does any day of the year make a difference in the fact that I have learned to miss him every other day? Does it mean that we celebrate or that we mourn? Is this day any different than the days before it? Can someone tell me how to feel?

A birthday is a day to celebrate and express gratitude for someone, their life and the memories you've shared. When I host a birthday dinner I always make the attendees go around and say something they love about the person. Since my daily routine usually emcompasses reminders of things I love about my dad, the day passed without incident or intense emotion. However, I find myself looking back and again asking if someone could tell me how to feel?

I'm finding peace in a passage of scripture from the Book of Mormon:

Mosiah 16:8 The grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.

The Answer Is Within You

This is the reminder that when you're feeling too anxious to function the answer is not to shop or stop eating or watch tv or leave town or complain to a therapist.

The answer is a belly deep laugh with friends, or a pink yoga mat, or giving yourself permission to take a nap because when you wake up life will still exist.

traveling

Politics. Conventions. Opinions. Blah. Everyone is so heated. I mean, I get it, this is our life and our future and I find myself getting involved in a lot of the different conversations.


BUT. THEN. This week I was in Virginia and hopped over to spend some time in DC. Walking aroung a city rich with culture, heritage, and patriotism my paradigm shifted. Ultimately, the reason behind political turmoil is that people have different interpretations of Freedom. Just like people have different interpretations of Religion. At the end of the day I don't have to stress about agreeing with everyone. I get to learn, appreciate other views, and just be GRATEFUL that there is FREEDOM to interpret.

super

Someday, somewhere, some man is going to look at a picture of me and say "I'm so glad I wifed that woman."

thursday

i practice yoga, remember? it's like the best part of my lifestyle. also the best part of my day. three days a week i attend the class of a man named Micah who is sexy and smart and really in tune with my soul. He has a couple of catch phrases. Here's one:

"you are always one breath away from hand stand and one breath away from child's pose."

been thinking about that lately as life keeps dishing out some surprises and blessings and interesting outcomes. I am never one breath away from having my legs kicked out from underneath me and then getting invited to Hawaii.

babe, I know that its your soul but could you bottle it up?

While getting my haircut yesterday I got into an intense conversation with my stylist about life. She said something that stuck with me:

"People are only as healthy as their darkest secret."

Think about that for a second.. I have a lot of thoughts but not able to eloqently deliver them yet. to be continued...

Overcome

I originally wrote this post on August 17th but felt like it was an over-share. Then, today, I was reading my last entry about my dad and realized how contrived it felt, knowing what I really wanted to say and knowing that I'd already written it but was embarrassed. This is the honest truth:

Yesterday I spent most of my energy thinking about my dad. As we approach the month in which we lost him, I find myself feeling like time has flown.

I know how most people view death, so let me clarify- this is a positive post. I very rarely have sad thoughts about my Dad. There's rarely a day when I sit down and ask myself "Why?". Generally, and yesterday was no exception, I felt grateful for my strength, grateful for my mom, grateful for friends who have not known what to say and stayed silent but stayed present.

I feel like I have dealt like many would. I have taken medication, I have turned to the Lord, I have slept in and eaten twinkies and gained weight and lost weight and fought and cried and shut people out and let them back in and shared my thoughts and swore while no one was around and swore while people were around and moved and changed and evolved and tried to forget and tried to remember... And now I'm breathing.

I'm sure there will continue to be pain. I don't expect to ever "get over" this. I tried that, and I ended up avoiding my reality. Instead, I acknowledge that I will always have this as a battle scar. I surround myself with people who do not judge or misunderstand my grief or suffering.

I, just like you, was dealt cards that are hard enough so I can struggle, but easy enough that I have the chance to win.

Too Much Noise

We hardly ever listened to the radio in the car. There was no time, we had too many conversations to have. Too many thoughts to share. Too many questions and stories. Even on long, early trips to Houston for work, we would talk work or travel, inventions or potential business ideas. I almost feel like the ingenious part of me, the creative-risk taker part of me died with you. I haven't thought about anything like that recently.

I loved seeing you relaxed. Coming over to my apartment to get dinner together and you were early and you would lay down on my couch and tell me a funny story from the drive over. Or when you'd come up and visit me at school and you'd get up at 4 and work 5 hours so by the time I got up all your work was done and we could laugh.

You were so quietly capable. You had no specific talent, just an ability to work hard and get things done. Without you around it's amazing the things that we have to make up for.

You always made me feel loved. You always made me feel protected. Safe. Cared for. Funny. Beautiful. Righteous.

Wise Men Care

As I woke up this morning to an alarm and brushed my teeth and washed my face, made to do lists in my head, assessed which part of my body was sore from yesterday's workout, thought about what I wanted for breakfast, picked a song to listen to, and got ready for work, I felt an ache to be back to that Island in Mexico where the water looks like the sky and the sand is a white as my skin was 4 days ago.

Then I thought about my reality. My life and my family and my friends and the ability to effectively communicate with vendors when I'm in America. I began to feel extremely grateful for a regimen. I felt grateful for things in life that are consistent. I felt it necessary to acknowledge that I don't handle surprise or lack of planning very well. I like a version of spontaneity that is very controllable.

This is new for me. New for me to not miss home when I'm on vacation and not miss vacation when I'm at home. My Dad often says "Wherever You Are, Be There," and I never understood it until now.

Que Sera, Sera

I've been thinking about the silver lining, the bright side of life. Too often I think about the cloud or the dark side because that is what effects us in our immediate situation. Somehow, in hind sight, the most difficult circumstances end up being a blessing.

Let me explain. This originated yesterday when I received a picture message of the birth mom of the most recent addition to [our] family. Her name is Natalie and she is the miracle that reminds us all that God is in control. I looked at the picture my entire drive to work and felt overwhelming joy for this stranger's trials. What I feel bold enough to suggest was the biggest trial, and toughest decision of her life, yielded us a miracle.

Just like a friend who knows the right thing to say because of their struggles, I know there is purpose in every tough day, or week, or year. I feel grateful for my struggles because I know somewhere, someday, the hardest things in my life will bless someone else.

What Will Be, Will Be.

Just Thinking

Thinking about the girl that I used to be at 17. She was so niave. She was so friendly. She was so happy. She was so busy planning parties and making friends. I'm imvisioning that if you would have stopped her after 3rd period calculus where she just aced an exam headed to say hello to her friends while texting her boyfriend, it would go a little something like this.

Excuse me miss I’d like to tell you about your life in 6 years. She’d plop her cute little butt down in front of you and compliment your hair-do while waiting for you to speak. She might make a sassy comment and then laugh it off and flip her hair to cover up the second glance she just exchanged with a tall brunette..

And then you would tell her all the painful truths, and all the sweet joys and I think she would ask to stay young forever.