my past and my future depends on today

On Tuesday I had plans to do a lot of things, and about 4 pm I realized I would not be able to do those things and still keep a smile on my face. It was like I knew that everything I had accomplished that day was enough. I attended to my responsibilities at work, went home and did the things I absolutely needed to do, and then allowed myself the opportunity to shut down mentally. I listened to myself. Lately, I've been ignoring myself. I've been saying, "I don't want to feel that, so I'm not going to" or "I don't want to, but I should- so I will." My therapist used to tell me that 'should' was the word that controlled me, and perhaps there was something else I could find as motivation.

Many times there are things that have to be done that you don't want; this exists as a reality and, in many ways, is what makes life worth living. But there are sometimes you just have to say- Enough. What you have done is enough, it's time to listen to a different voice, the one that is knocking from the inside.

The rest of the story goes that I went to Redbox and couldn't decide between two movies so I got both of them and watched them on my couch and gave myself a manicure and ate homemade salsa. That night, I went to sleep alone to the sound of my clear head.

if i proofread this i will delete everything

Today would have been my parents 27th wedding anniversary. I say would have been because I don't know exactly how to describe the relationship because my very alive mother and my father who has passed on. Describe? Is that what I need to do? Believe. That's it. I believe they are still married I believe they still exist as a couple as well as individuals. I believe that celebrating their anniversary is still something we should all do. I also believe that when my mother remarries the man who now exists in our lives in the flesh just like the other one did that she will also be married to my Dad. My dad exists for eternity and her friend exists in our immediate present. We can all take a deep breath knowing she is happy and that life goes on after tragedy.

When I was 18 my dad wrote a song for me called "Be You." The message of the song, which I haven't listened to in 3 years, is to find out who you are and love that person, find out who God is and love Him, and to develop traits you would like to have. Lately, the answer to every question I ask myself is, "Be You."

When I was 21 I worked for my dad. He was my favorite boss because of his transparency, hard work, and integrity. He was so strong and respected but it wasn't because he was a strong armer. It was because he was smart and right. I love that. That is the kind of business woman I want to be. Smart and right. And when I'm wrong, I want to embrace the ideas of those around me to find the best solution.

All of my questions are answered by what he taught me. Sometimes I forget what he would say so I do the wrong thing. But today, I remember.

untitled

       Last night I got into a conversation with a good friend about the future of our relationship. The interaction made me feel trapped and I had to end the conversation by saying, "I'm sorry, I can't willingly allow myself to complicate this relationship with any more feelings than I already have". And now, all day I have been thinking about the fact that, for me, stronger emotions equates complication. There are people who strive to fall in love because that means peace and joy and security. For me, I strive to maintain my independence because that renders peace and joy and security. Frankly, I don't believe one is wrong or right. There is a time and place for all of the million emotions I feel in a day. I care deeply for my peers, I care deeply for myself, and I care deeply for the world around me; and right now, that is where my peace lies.

Self Awareness

I am a full fledged, voter registered card carrying member of the clan of people over the drinking age who consider themselves adults. I have a collection of furniture, I have a Coke addiction, my opinion is valued at my job, I have a reoccurring alarm, I have friends all over the country, I travel for holidays, I am insured, I drive a fuel effecient car, my sheets are over 500 thread count, I don't bite my nails. I can't go to a social setting without having an intellectually stimulating conversation. I don't enjoy mediocre relationships.

...And, I've always wanted to profess Self Actualization and I would say I'm getting there.