Someday

I know there will come a day where I will look at my baby and think: "there isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. No amount of pain could ever make me regret bringing you into this world." 

For now, though, I am just tired. 

Let it out

I love to write. Unfortunately, writing has never been a strength of mine- I never excelled in English or grammar classes- but I've always believed there is power that comes from turning your thoughts into words and preserving those words in a forum that is open and connects you with other people. I used to use this site as such a forum. I loved sorting through topics that were on my mind; belief, television, food, politics, family, jokes- and talking about it in a way that helped me understand myself. 

Then people started to read the words I was writing. Duh, right? You put things on the Internet with your name and they get found. It wasn't a lot of people by any means, but it was enough that made me feel vulnerable and exposed. So much so that I shut down that outlet. It was sad to me to do that but I wasn't prepared for feedback on my thoughts, I just wanted them written and maybe for my mom to read so she would think I wasn't crazy (didn't happen). 

I don't know where my thoughts go now- I think many stay inside and others are spoken in long rants of incoherence.. Some, the more prominent ones, are still written in a private place free from judgment. 

I am still not comfortable with the stereotype associated with blogging. I still don't enjoy the vulnerability and exposure of your name and feelings being out there for the world to search. But I do like to connect my mind with those around me to better understand myself and, perhaps, in turn try to better understand others. Plus, for Christmas, in lieu of buying my sister a gift, I promised her I would post on here 5 times. So there's that. 

Babel by Mumford and Sons

When the new Mumford and Sons cd came out a few months ago, I was a bit disappointed. It didn't really speak to me the way past Mumford has. I blamed myself, mostly, because there is no way they can produce anything besides mind blowing perfection. Admittedly, I didn't put in the time to appreciate it.. Usually when I get new music, I spend an hour laying in bed with the lights off listening to it and deciding how I feel (ex. Thank Me Later, Speak Now, Sigh No More, anything Alanis Morissette and Tha Carter III), which I didn't do with Babel.

 

On Wednesday I decided to revisit and attempt to recapture the emotion of the music. Laying in bed with the lights off doesn't feel like an option these days, so I decided to get on the treadmill and not get off until I had fallen in love.

 

..on a side note, I'm going to start approaching relationships with the vigilance I do music.

 

Here's my take.

 

Favorite songs:

5. I Will Wait

4. Below My Feet

3. Lover's Eyes

2. Not With Haste

1. Lover in the Light

Bonus Fav: Reminder

I want Lover in the Light to play at my wedding.

Below my Feet reminds me of my relationship with my dad over the last 2 years.

Not with Haste is the ideal anthem for my life.

So glad I put in the time to fall for it. Been on repeat ever since. I highly recommend you purchase this album.

on love.

At dinner the other night my friend overheard a comment I made in passing to Carly and repeated it loud.

"What?! You don't believe you can be in love?"

Out of context, albeit, we began a conversation that has been on my mind for a couple of weeks. The premise of that conversation being that when you are supremely out of love, it is hard to remember what it feels like to be on the opposite side of the spectrum.

"Elyse, I've SEEN you in love. I know you know you can fall in love," he continues.

Yes. Yes. I remember the feelings, but it's just so different every time.

The problem is I've only ever felt selflessly in love once. And it was dangerous and unrequited, so I can not picture the type of relationship that I dream about. I can't picture what I will do or say or what he will want, because it's a stranger to me. In a way, I am happy about this. If I had the kind of relationship I truly want and then lost it, that would be the ultimate tragedy.

sunny and bright and beautiful

this weekend was spent in California with the woman who raised me.

my mom. such a babe. she cracks me up. our relationship has changed quite a bit over the last couple of years and today we just have a good time most of the time. she brings out a very silly side of me, and i her, to where we end up laughing really hard a lot.

i'm so grateful for a mother who allows her 25 year-old daughter to call her Mommy, who shares my love of hotel beds and netflix, who is working really hard to not be too "matchy matchy", who listens and talks and loves hard.

BELIEF

remember the last election day? my first time voting? when my boyfriend broke up with me for the day because he was racist? and then took me to the Four Seasons for dinner because he felt bad? that was silly.

this time i'm humbled and grateful to be apart of the free world. the nation that was founded upon our ability to act, believe, and vote how we want. i'm feeling tolerant of people who disagree with me, and especially tolerant of my past self who i don't agree with now.

i've been listening to Belief by John Mayer today. this is my reminder that everyone believes in how they think it ought to be. the goal is not to believe in the same thing, the goal is to find commonalities and peace among our differences.

If you don't want to watch, at least read it:

 

Is there anyone who

Ever remembers changing there mind from

The paint on a sign?

Is there anyone who really recalls

Ever breaking rank at all

For something someone yelled real loud one time

 

Everyone believes

In how they think it ought to be

Everyone believes

And they're not going easily

 

Belief is a beautiful armor but makes for the heaviest sword

Like punching under water you never can hit who you're trying for

 

 Some need the exhibition

And some have to know they tried

It's the chemical weapon

For the war that's raging on inside

 

Everyone believes

From emptiness to everything

Everyone believes

And no ones going quietly

 

We're never gonna win the world we're never gonna stop the war

We're never gonna beat this if belief is what we're fighting for

Blue Hair, Don't Care

first time for everything

I have never really been into Halloween. But this year I found a costume I couldn't deny. So I went ALL OUT. Pictures to follow..

hump day

I have all these thoughts in my head that need a place to land. They need space to breathe, or the ability to exist without judgment. My mind is not that place.

days go by

This weekend marked the 53rd year since my Dad was born. I've been thinking for a while exactly what that means. Does any day of the year make a difference in the fact that I have learned to miss him every other day? Does it mean that we celebrate or that we mourn? Is this day any different than the days before it? Can someone tell me how to feel?

A birthday is a day to celebrate and express gratitude for someone, their life and the memories you've shared. When I host a birthday dinner I always make the attendees go around and say something they love about the person. Since my daily routine usually emcompasses reminders of things I love about my dad, the day passed without incident or intense emotion. However, I find myself looking back and again asking if someone could tell me how to feel?

I'm finding peace in a passage of scripture from the Book of Mormon:

Mosiah 16:8 The grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.

The Answer Is Within You

This is the reminder that when you're feeling too anxious to function the answer is not to shop or stop eating or watch tv or leave town or complain to a therapist.

The answer is a belly deep laugh with friends, or a pink yoga mat, or giving yourself permission to take a nap because when you wake up life will still exist.

A couple of years ago, I ventured to a city and spent the best weekend ever shopping, exploring, and eating. Last weekend, I took a trip to that same city, but this time was accompanied by my besties Kyria and Carly.

My Favorite Parts were:

• Staying at the amazing Renaissance Hotel in downtown Seattle
• Drinking from the fountains of Seattle's Best Coffee (Triple Chocolate for the girls and Passion Tea for myself)
• Shopping at the Nordstrom Flagship and Humongous Nordstrom Rack (on 3 separate occasions)
• Eating at every top YELP rated restaurant we could lay our eyes on
• Making friends with the famous fish throwers in Pike Place Market
• Being hit on every 7 seconds because my friends are beautiful
• Meeting a cab driver who offered to be our personal driver next time we come to town
• Having Sunday brunch on Bainbridge Island
• Dancing our hearts out in Belltown with the most beautiful people in the country (and meeting my soul mate/ new long distance lover)
• Eating atop the Space Needle for a late Saturday dinner, and then returning (for FREE) on Sunday to see the city on an abnormally clear day
• Taking a walking food tour around Pike Place Market and tasting everything from Fruit to Cheese to Smoked Salmon
• Eating a lot and compensating by walking 50,000 steps (Thank you FitBit) in sunny 70 degree weather
• And finally, hanging out with Carly and Kyria who make me laugh harder than anyone ever did.

 

 

 

I think we belong there.

wake up in the morning get my smash[box] on

I've been spending the last year (and hundreds of dollars) trying to find the perfect tinted mousturizer. Last winter, I abandoned my long used and trusted Bare Escentuals foundation for something more natural and age fighting (albeit expensive). Somehow, the greats; Laura Mercier ($45), Trish McEvoy ($60) and Josie Maran ($40) all let me down. A couple weeks ago I walked out of Sephora with the discovery that there was a woman with baby porcelain skin ready to be broken out of jail and the key was Smashbox Camera Ready BB Cream.

 

BB Cream is sold as a Mousturizer, Primer, and Foundation, although, with the harshness of Utah climate I still mousturize like a boss.

 

Rather than making everyone go through what I did, I thought I would share. You're welcome.

traveling

Politics. Conventions. Opinions. Blah. Everyone is so heated. I mean, I get it, this is our life and our future and I find myself getting involved in a lot of the different conversations.


BUT. THEN. This week I was in Virginia and hopped over to spend some time in DC. Walking aroung a city rich with culture, heritage, and patriotism my paradigm shifted. Ultimately, the reason behind political turmoil is that people have different interpretations of Freedom. Just like people have different interpretations of Religion. At the end of the day I don't have to stress about agreeing with everyone. I get to learn, appreciate other views, and just be GRATEFUL that there is FREEDOM to interpret.

life ain't always what you think it should be

I believe in a plan that extends beyond what we see in our immediate presence. I believe that death is part of a plan that was constructed long ago by a loving Heavenly Father who knows a lot more about the importance of this step than I could ever hope to. I believe in life after death.

The great paradox of life is that, even with all my beliefs, I can't help but be sad that my grandmother; the strongest, funniest, tallest, most beautiful woman I have ever met, has passed from the life I live in. The life where I get to see her with my mortal eyes and hear her with my mortal ears.

I'm worried. I'm worried about my mom. I'm worried about my younger siblings who didn't know her like I did. I'm worried about her friends and family who don't believe in the things I do. Where do they find their peace? Where do they get their closure? Will this make them believe?

She had a special relationship with everyone she met. So many people will grieve her death because so many people considered her their best friend. She could talk to someone for 20 minutes and make them feel like they were understood, that they had just made a friend for life.

I am so grateful to have so many examples of incredibly kind and strong women in my life. My hope is that instead of mourning the loss, I will be able to spend my time becoming the person I want to be; a person that is more like her.

everything is precious

...that's what's in my mind today

a note to my sisters, my daughters, and myself

Yesterday I was discussing "The List" with one of my coworkers. You know, "The List" that every woman has in her mind (the more vigilant ones have it in writing) that says what they will not put up with. On hers, "chewers of green gum". A little cray, but you know what- more power to you woman. If you want to create non- negotiables, go ahead, and be picky: Don't settle.

I find myself craving, and, more often than not, achieving, solitude. So many times I fight the feeling "I just want to be alone" because I've made committments like being a good friend or being a star employee. It used to be a scary feeling for me because I would think 'will i ever NOT want to be alone' which leads to thoughts of 'will I always be alone?' and 'will I ever get married?'. Not rational except for the fact that most of my relationships had been laced with a variable loss of self awareness and personal security, so you can't blame me. Until, one time I was with a man and I experienced the feeling of not wanting to be alone, I wanted to be with him. The empowerment, the peace, and the self confidence I felt while I was alone was still there when he was around, so that even in our demise i gained something from him that I cherish as an invaluable lesson; Don't settle.

Also, I like to travel. I like to eat 3 bites of an expensive meal. I like my rap loud and meaninful- unless my mood changes; then I like it slow and romantic. I like to go to bed late and wake up early. I like to wear 5 inch heels to the park. I like to sit and listen to the wind. I like to do everything that I like to do at the moment I want to do it : Dont settle.

what a difference a day makes

this time yesterday i was tired

this time last week i was worried

this time last month i was in a different State

this time last season i was hopeful

this time last year i was hopelessly in love

what a difference a day makes.

We Were Both Young When I First Saw You

I can count on less than one hand how many times I've fallen in love. In fact, I can't really count considering once love ends it almost feels like it didn't happen. It's like, you spend time so much time trying to forget that it actually works. In hindsight, I'm grateful for the opportunities to get to know and love myself through others. I appreciate my ability to see the potential in someone else, and someone else's ability to love me inspite of all the Elyse-ness that happens.

In a time when I find myself craving solitude, I can't help but be grateful, because that craving means that I get to experience it all.

summer wish list

take a weekend getaway

visit Rodney and Kylee in NYC

attend the twilight concert series at Liberty Park

run up Capital Hill 15 times

go camping

hike 30+ times