my past and my future depends on today

On Tuesday I had plans to do a lot of things, and about 4 pm I realized I would not be able to do those things and still keep a smile on my face. It was like I knew that everything I had accomplished that day was enough. I attended to my responsibilities at work, went home and did the things I absolutely needed to do, and then allowed myself the opportunity to shut down mentally. I listened to myself. Lately, I've been ignoring myself. I've been saying, "I don't want to feel that, so I'm not going to" or "I don't want to, but I should- so I will." My therapist used to tell me that 'should' was the word that controlled me, and perhaps there was something else I could find as motivation.

Many times there are things that have to be done that you don't want; this exists as a reality and, in many ways, is what makes life worth living. But there are sometimes you just have to say- Enough. What you have done is enough, it's time to listen to a different voice, the one that is knocking from the inside.

The rest of the story goes that I went to Redbox and couldn't decide between two movies so I got both of them and watched them on my couch and gave myself a manicure and ate homemade salsa. That night, I went to sleep alone to the sound of my clear head.