Wednesday, January 26, 2011

I Feel It All

I had so many questions. The pain was masked by curiosity. Where? Why? What do I do? I remember asking anyone who would listen what they thought I should do. My real friends told me to calm down and breathe. My family went to Martins Cove. The house that Dad built. We sat together as 30 of our closest friends watched my mother puke into a glass bowl, watched my brothers lie face down on the cement floor, watched as I demolished a pint of ice cream.

That night we slept in a foreign bed in a foreign room. I needed something strange so I wouldn't have any associations to this feeling. I wept with my sisters. We talked about forever. We talked about God's plan of salvation. Nikka told us how it happened. We felt Him watching us. Wanting to reach out to us. Missing us just the same.

The next day came the friends. The families. The news stations. The food. Everyone asked how we were. We still laugh about that question. How do you think? I called my friends who I needed there. I repulsed food. I showered 3 times a day. I forgave previous foes. I refused dreams. I took medicine. I laughed with Lauren. I don't remember much of the two days after. Except that I wanted to laugh and I wanted honesty.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Gotta let this out

I am so grateful and happy and optimistic and empowered Thursday thru Sunday. Feeling great. Having fun. Loving it all.

And then something happens. It's called Monday morning. something about Monday morning eats my empowerment. Can I do this? Where are the carbs? I need more sleep. It's so funny how my moods change so dramatically in a matter of 12 hours. I strive to be more consistent and feel a steady stream of joy and excitement about everything, even the things I struggle at. Imagine if my Friday night mood carried over to my Monday meetings. They would be in for a TREAT.

Sunday, January 23, 2011


Meet Justin

He thinks I'm crazy. I trust Him because he shares the painful truths of life effortlessly. He's obsessed with His family, Facebook, and football games. He knows more than he wants people to believe.

I think Nikka said it best the first time she met Him:

"Justin is rude. Like, really rude. And yet He is still really kind and likable. How does he DO that!?"

He appreciates small gestures of kindness. He takes rap music more serious that the general listening public. If he didn't focus on the future so much he would marry a model and live a lavish life. I'm grateful he isn't. He acts wisely. Not easily persuaded. Funny. Very funny. Simple. The amount of stories he can tell would usually only come from someone twice his age, but he doesn't share that with just anyone, not even me.

The only problem with Justin is that he is similar to me in the worst ways possible: Stubborn, Vain, Pragmatic. The first time I met Him it annoyed me that He was wearing basketball shorts and purposefully not paying me attention. That experience describes our relationship since that day.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Pure Sap

Until Wednesday, Katie's middle of the night call to Hubbel in The Way We Were was the most romantic thing I'd ever heard. Now it is this description of President Monson's wife;

"She has packed his bag for every trip he's taken, she has fixed his breakfast every day, even if its meant being up at 4:30 am so he could be off"

Can I be selfless for 5 seconds and think about someone else? We will see.

Monday, January 17, 2011

That Day: Part Two

All it took was the look on my Mom's face. I had never seen this fake of a smile on her. Then I looked at Joseph, I had never seen him emotional like that. I looked at Luke, he was hanging onto my mom like he might lose her, too. I couldn't look Nikka in the eye. I scanned the small group of men overlooking and our good friends. Everyone believed it. If you're in a room where everyone knows a secret, but won't say it out loud., does that mean it's not true? These are people I trust with my life. I wanted to not believe them, but slowly the reality hit. My breath escaped me. All of a sudden the most simple task of sitting down and taking in Oxygen caused me extreme pain. So much pain. My feet still hurt. I think I was getting blisters. Does Kyria know? She won't be able to breath. She has asthma. She needs to breath. "SOMEONE TELL KYRIA TO BREATH!" They say she doesn't know yet. Don't tell her. Please don't tell her.

Then I'm outside. My voice has escaped me. I'm shouting. Making noises that I can't make out. I feel 20 people watching me. I can't stop. I'm yelling. Kicking the air. My phone keeps ringing. I throw it on the ground. Nikka comes out with a bag. She tells me to breath. I forgot how. I feel it all over.

The only thing I remembered how to do in that moment was to pray. I tried to pray aloud but I was still screaming. So as my voice is running my heart is petitioning. I couldn't pray for myself, I didn't have that kind of faith yet. I prayed for my mom. I prayed for my brothers. I prayed that Kyria would breathe. I made a promise to not blame God. They said it was time to come back inside. I did what I was told. I held my family. Everyone hurt so bad. We felt it all together and in every inch of my body. I decided to breathe again.

Sunday, January 16, 2011


Meet Nikka.

The other Pointy nose, pointy chin, blonde hair girl in those family pictures. She pretends to dislike Cheesecake except when she's with me. She loves watching me shop. She doesn't kick OR talk in her sleep. I'm worried about her because she is too much like me, but I know she will be great because she's enough of herself. She's not jealous, needy, or boring. She's mature enough to bring her around my friends, but immature enough to be loved by everyone. She thinks I'm crazy. She sleeps in.

The list of boyfriends who've loved her more than I is embarrassingly long. I should have been worried. Especially about that beautiful, tall man and every time we went shopping he would say, "We should get Nikka something". Leaving him was hard for both of us.

She makes me a better friend. She makes me think clearly. She makes everything okay. She makes the best crepes and peanut butter cookies. She gets sick of me telling her I miss her. She wears my clothes flawlessly. She appreciates leather and fine jewelry.

She let's me talk in the morning because she knows I have to. She forgives effortlessly. One time she told me I was pretty and I believed her. She makes fun of me kindly. She quotes my blog to me. The day she was born I got to skip school and we had Chicken Pot Pie for dinner. That was a good day.

Friday, January 14, 2011

The Day My Life Changed

I have to choose my words carefully. My mother reads this.

I thought it couldn't get better. I had just documented in my blog that I was so content with my life because I had so much ahead of me and the possibilities were endless. I didn't know what the future would hold and that was exhilarating. After work I stopped by the store to get something for dinner.I wanted to make homemade salsa. I remember my feet hurting. My heels were high and I'd been on my feet all day. I needed to feed the dog.

My mom called. She asked me to come home, it was important. I told her there would be traffic, I would come later. She calmly mentioned an accident. I thought about abandoning my grocery cart but I had let myself pick out a pint of Ice Cream and I was not giving that up. I took my time strolling through the store. I had a song stuck in my head.

I unloaded the groceries into my apartment. I took two trips instead of one, so not to strain myself. I fed the dog, ate some ice cream, changed my shoes. It was rush hour. I was not looking forward to traffic. But I headed up anyways.

My sister called in a panic. She was worried. I didn't know why. Nothing had happened. Accident. This is Dad. These things happen anytime he goes anywhere. I told her to relax. She told me to hurry. My mom called. She told me not to worry, but to hurry. They were at the hospital, now. I said something sassy. Told her that all of Austin was heading north right now and she would have to be patient. As we said "goodbye", Her voice made a noise I'd never heard. A shiver, a crack. She usually speaks very purposefully, that was the only indication.

I turned up my music loud to drown my racing thoughts.

I arrived at the hospital. More indicators. I recognized a lot of cars. Neighbors, family, friends, my boss. People really know how to overeact. I walked into the hospital and was greeted by a pale-faced friend who grabbed me and walked me like I wouldn't be able to walk on my own. I felt hurt. I wanted to shake her off because I was fine. Everyone was overreacting.


Yesterday I got a text message and I got that twitterpaded feeling I used to get when emotions ran hot. It was Lauren saying Hi. This describes us perfectly. Lauren affects me. I love that about us. I love our connection. When we met we were as opposite as two girls can be. We did share two things; a family connection that runs 2 generations back, and a poor taste in boys. For years we have shared everything. She was the first person I told my secrets to. She let me into her family. She reminded me to enjoy life. She works hard at the things she's passionate about. She puts up with my anxiety, my temperament, my big dreams. We used to take her dads gas card and drive to Logan or Vegas or San Diego just because we could. We grew up together in the sense that when we met we were completely different people than we are today but we still fit. She is grounded, wise, kind to everyone, honest, and fiercely loyal. We decided the day we met we would be friends forever and so far that friendship has been the easiest, most rewarding relationship I've ever had.

Meet Lauren.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Meet Cami.

The girl who's story you all want to know. She likes taco bell, fashion, thrift stores, Utah, cats, old movies, Indian food, taking naps, taking baths, taking naps in the bath, and using foul language the way only an 80 year old Navy veteran can. She is my saving grace. One time, in High School we were at her house and she put on her orange tennis skirt, blue rain boots, an old tshirt and a feather in her hair, then we walked out into public. She looked fabulous. One time we went to the Caribean and slept 12 hours a day, turned into Hispanic blondes, got asked if we were movie stars, and drank 17 pina coladas. Cami makes a point to ask every question. She knows exactly what it means if my hair is up instead of down or if I don't text back for 15 minutes.

She feels at home with my family. She likes to lay in bed and talk for hours. She calls me when I'm crying. She's in love with a brilliant man. She makes me feel young and reckless by reminding me of times when I was.

She thinks I can do anything I put my mind do. She thinks my life is enviable. I think the same about her.

Monday, January 10, 2011


Meet Christian.

My smartest and wisest friend. There are two people in my life who I feel complete and unconditional love from, who I know have my best interests at heart, and who I can always rely on; my Dad and Christian. I made the mistake of telling Him that a couple years ago and I think he gloats in it now. Either way it's true and has always been. Christian started making me laugh the day I met Him freshman year and every time I talk to Him he makes me think and makes me laugh, in that order. He's got a lot going on in life with His relationship, graduating, family, and getting ready for law school in the fall but He always has time to talk to me during the day. He is great.

I was talking with Him today and of course, between the laughter and jokes he said something profound that I don't want to forget:

"The nice thing about life is that it's exciting regardless of how things turn out. Sometimes its hard, but it's also exciting- always new opportunities"

What a guy.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011


About my rental car
My narcissism
My yoga habit
My sleeping patterns
My mother and brothers and sisters and father
My year

I hope my car takes months to fix because Drake bumps better in a Charger than a minivan.
It's a problem.
I will never quit. I love what it's doing for my body and my mind.
Again, a problem. I need a roommate to wake up and entertain me.
We are all in this together. We are so blessed.
Career. Love. Family. City. Travel. Extremely optimistic.

Monday, January 3, 2011

2010- I won't miss you one bit

Top 5 moments of 2010

5. Starting Family Service International and getting one step closer to being on Oprah.

4. Getting Henri so I could complain about Henri.

3. USVI with 40 of the greatest people I know. Seven beach hopping, pina colada drinking, dancing, laughing days and nights. Hoping to recreate the same joy in November!

2. Lauren Farrer and Andrew Wright's wedding. There's no secret I'm obsessed with this couple. I love their love, their story, his height, their house. Everything. I feel so blessed to have seen them come together.

1. December 31, 2010. BEST NEW YEARS EVE EVER.