Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Friday, December 19, 2008
- i love mentha lip gloss. especially the spearmint that always disappears when kyria is in town
- i love to shop. and when i run out of room in my closet or i can't justify a purchase, i just shop for other people. nikka usually benefits.
- i rip the tags off of bed linens, pillows, and comforters. i can't stand the thought of there being a tag on something in my bed.
- my favorite adult food is Sushi. i say adult food because i feel like it's an adult food and i feel like an adult when i eat it. also, my love for sushi has grown as i have become older, therefore i think it is an adult food. in comparison, childish foods are things like wendy's, taco bell, and pizza. i used to like all of these but now i only crave Sushi and Chipotle (another adult food).
- i say this about nearly every cd but i REALLY, HONESTLY think that A Rush Of Blood To The Head by Coldplay is the best album ever made. i don't even listen to it anymore but i think you'd be lying if you said it didn't fill some void in your life at one point.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I decided that pet peeve # 345,789,001 of mine is the permadieters in my life. I am going to get heat for this and probably make people feel like idiots but it's on my mind. This isn't to say I don't understand. I've had my share of issues with the way my body was made and I don't know why I was lucky enough to grow out of this. The reality of the matter is that you won't be happy until you're content. And that means abandoning the stupid thoughts in your head. I won't tell y'all my secret but I will say that when you say the words, "I want to lose __ pounds", I won't be listening.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Monday, November 17, 2008
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Monday, November 3, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
1. Grey's Anatomy
2. Gossip Girl
3. Colbert Report
5. Prison Break
6. Anderson Cooper 360
7. the O.C.
8 Things That Happened Today:
1. Submitted my first Proposal for a builder
2. Drove a LOT
3. Went to the Galleria, and broke my no shopping policy
4. Slept in. again.
5. bought an adorable high-waist silk embroidered skirt,
6. talked to Tim
7. supressed my desire to sleep with work!
8. missed summer
8 Favorite Places to Eat:
2. Cafe Rio
3. Jason's Deli
5. Taco Cabana
6. Cafe Rio
7. Martin's Cove
8 Things I am Looking Forward To:
1. The next time I do something good so I can rationalize buying myself the new Macbook
2. Wearing the aforementioned skirt somewhere!
3. My shows coming online so I can watch them
4. Christmas- scarves, hot chocolate, fires, cuddling, etc.
5. kicking butt and taking names at work tomorrow
6. moving into the cold again
7. sleeping! alone!
8 Things I am Passionate About:
1. my family
2. the sun
3. my friends- new and old
4. the gospel
6. walking around with a smile on my face
8. sleeping until 10
Sunday, October 19, 2008
1.) Discovered The Houston Galleria. Picture this, the Forum Shops at Cesar's Palace - prostitutes + NORDSTROM .
2.) I found a Juicy Couture Outlet. I don't think you understand how much these two words shouldn't go together, but they do, and it was amazing.
3.) While at the outlet mall with the aforementioned Juicy store I found a True Religion outlet. Rodney and I have already planned a trip there when he comes back in December. We have chosen to not talk about the plane trip and the three hour drive that getting to our paradise will entail, we've only dwelt on the positives, like the fact that it's a True Religion OUTLET!!
4.) While at The Galleria, the boy and I managed to spend $40 on candy at Dylan's Candy Bar. Now, I thought that spending over $10 on refined sugar was a talent only Dials were born with, but clearly he picked that up somewhere along the way. The other highlight of this endeavour was that all the candy was gone within 24 hours.
5.) Spent a good amount of time with the oldest 4 Dial children. If I had to make a pie chart outlining how our time was divided, the categories would be trying on jeans, sitting at Del Taco, eating frozen yogurt, and dancing. Oh and dancing on tables would take up a small percentage of one very strange evening that I hope was not photographed.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
i whisper when i want to be heard and shout when i don't want to be. and it works.
i drive farther than i need to because it feels good to do what i want.
i like my jeans very tight. maybe i like my body that much, or maybe i just need some kind of restriction.
i play confused even when i know full well what is going on. i always know what is going on.
i don't give chances. not even first ones.
i am stubborn. so stubborn, in fact, that i purposefully forget how stubborn i am.
i ignore rejection and hang onto hope.
i like when people make me laugh.
i don't like when people try to make me laugh.
i have an easy time spending money if it's mine.
i buy things knowing full well that i am going to return them.
i love the smell of soap on airlines.
i talk about others, not because i'm selfless but because talking about myself is not an option.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Obviously my sabbatical ended about a week after it started, and since then I've contemplated taking a break. Contemplated taking a break and then shortly thereafter realized it is Saturday night and I am hungry for Sushi with a side of light, suggestive banter. Unfortunately, light suggestive banter is just not something my grandma offers. So I snap out of it, like a really stable cocaine addict.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
You know you love me. xoxo.
Friday, October 3, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
I want more sugar in my cereal. I want to be able to run, really far and really fast. I want to wear boots and winter coats and drink hot chocolate. I want fall, not the psuedo Texas Fall that is really just a milder version of Summer, but the real Utah Fall where the leaves flee the trees and everything changes into a shade of red or orange and you can't help but love the mountains. I want for my Grandma to remember. I want to wear flats everyday. I want what I deserve. I want to be known by people who matter and to matter to the people who know me. I want to understand everything. I want a really, really big Burberry bag that will not only hold my lip gloss and my cell phone but also my secrets and my successes. In fact let's just throw everything in there so I don't have to hold onto anything.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
1. Sonicare. I go through phases of brushing with the Sonicare that my mom bought me like 10 years ago when I was a young, chubby, brace faced girl. I didn't appreciate it back then because I wasn't fanatical about my teeth. But I am fanatical now. I love my Sonicare so much that I only brush with it every other day so I will appreciate it more.
My biggest accomplishment of the Summer was the day that I convinced Rex to buy a Sonicare. I would come to work and talk about how great my teeth felt, and then 5 hours later my teeth would still feel great and I was gush about it and finally during a Target trip Rex said, "Screw it, I'm buying one!" I am just that good of a saleswoman. Maybe they are hiring. I love my Sonicare and i don't care who knows!!
2. Cognac Boots. I couldn't find a picture on stevemadden.com and I am too lazy to go upstairs and take a picture of them so I will just write about it. I'm going through a boot phase this week. Grey, Brown, Black and now, my favorite, Cognac. The Cognac pair don't go with much of my wardrobe because they are a pretty brilliant color and I am more of a black girl, but, nonetheless, they are perfect. They have a minor, everyday heel, and they are extremely comfortable. My only beef is that I am not in Utah and it is still 90 degrees here so boots don't really mesh with the weather. Looks like I'm going to have to vacation to colder climate next weekend. I heard New York is supposed to have a storm?
3. Turq Ring. Last week I bought a ring for my middle finger, because my other two were getting lonely. This one is gaudy and huge and absolutely brilliant. I love it. I love the color. I love that it goes with everything. I love that I now pattern my outfits around what matches the ring. I love that I still buy myself jewelry when I feel like I deserve it. I love that I am the best gift buyer for myself cause I know exactly what I want. As far as jewelry is concerned, at least. Life can wait, accessories can't.
4. Swimming. So ever since I saw this and this, I knew I was in the wrong industry. No but really, much to the pleasing of every physical therapists who has ever X-rayed my poor knees I have decided to hang up my running shoes for the time being and work it out in the pool. So far so great. Seriously, imagine a cardio workout where you don't sweat and you also work your abs, triceps, deltoids, biceps, calves, and butt. Then go swim 20 laps. Feel the burn, baby. It seriously is a miracle. Plus, if I can look like that at age 40, there's nothing I can't do.
5. Rudys. Although yesterday I think I got sick from eating a beautiful lunch of Brisket, Turkey and Creamed Corn, it was worth it. I mention the Creamed Corn because until yesterday I didn't like Creamed Corn. Which is peculiar because I was raised on Rudy's and Creamed Corn to Rudy's in like the Kiss to Hershey's , real popular. And now I, because of a total taste bud change, like the Hershey Kiss and the Creamed Corn, am, like, real popular. Oh. My. Gosh.
6. Snow Patrol. I don't know if everyone is as crazy about their music as I am. I believe that we should all be crazy about music. I believe that we should let music change our mood. I believe it because I do. Some days I have this disease where I can't settle on a song and it drives me to the point of insanity. On these days I listen to Snow Patrol. It's so melancholy and lovely and calming. Like, no doubt Snow Patrol will be my future husband's secret weapon for when I am menstrual and bordering anxiety attacks and running around the house looking for chocolate and diet coke and yelling that I need to buy new jeans. Pump the jams, honey.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
September of 1998. 6th grade. I had just started middle school. The only things I remember about 6th grade is that EVERYONE wore Doc Martin's, the ones that if you see someone wearing today you run in the other direction. I remember that they gave us 7 minutes to get to class and that was not enough for me. I remember that some very rude girls put a bunch of tampons and pads in a girl who's locker was next to me to make fun of her for starting her period. This was the year my family and my cousins went to Hawaii for our first time. I hung out with Cherie most of the time except for our occasional fights. I got a 'C' in a class and it was the first time (first of many I should say) when I realized I could talk my way out of just about anything, I didn't begin to use these powers of persuasion right then, though.
5 years ago...
September 2003. Junior year. Also know as the GREATEST year of my life. I think in September I had just started dating, and I loved it. I had a car and my own business (what? seems like a different life now). I was talking with Al who was still getting himself into trouble. One time Junior Year I wore overalls to school- not the hideous, embarassing, Walmart overalls, but, like, some, cute, only-Elyse-could-pull-those-off-overalls- I'd like to think that's when I got respect for doing what I want in High School, a trait that many, typical, crowd following teenagers didn't have. It was sometime around this time I met Kelsey and figured we'd be best friends forever, a hope I still actually have. I ran everyday and only ate food with little to no fat, I was blonde and fun-loving and had high-hope for myself.
The thing I remember most about this time was that I was still so innocent that I didn't let anything happen that I didn't have complete control over. I still remember the first time a boy tried to kiss me, and, because I'd been raised by Rod Dial himself, I didn't let him because I didn't think he deserved it. Sometimes I still wish I had that innocence.
5 months ago...
April. The first sign of Spring in Provo is fabulous. I was not so fabulous. I had just gotten out of a too-short fling with someone who did actually deserve me. Cami had just left for Europe and I was lost. I was days away from moving to Texas and was panicking because I didn't know why I was coming here. I kept trying to pack up my room but ended up hanging out with people from my past each night just to try and give me reasons to stay in Utah. I was scared and stressed and uncertain about selling. I gave up dating altogether and made a goal to not kiss, date, or even have a crush on anyone in Texas. You know how they say when you want something it doesn't happen and when you don't want something it happens? Well I got what I didn't want, and realized it's what I want, and five months ago if you would have told me I would have laughed in your face.
5 things on my to do list tomorrow...
1) Watch House, Season Two
2) Meet with Dad about schedule, pay, and time OFF!!! So I can plan trips!! and waste away my self-made inheritance!!
3) Sell? I guess.
4) Take Grandma somewhere special
5) Go to the Office and turn in contracts
p.s. with little variation, these are the 5 things on my to-do list everyday. eek.
5 things I would do if I was suddenly a billionaire...
2) Create a scholarship foundation for children from South America or Nigeria, and send them all to BYU or Harvard or wherever
3) Set up my IRA, buy investment properties and stock
4) Take the family to Spain and Italy
5) Buy everone in my family and pair of True Religions, buy Rodney an Iphone, get at least 3 different handbags, get the Subaru I want, go to San Francisco with my Grandma, and get lazer hair removal
5 bad habits...
1) Checking my email constantly
2) Biting my nails
3) Picking at split-ends
4) Judging people
5) Being too hard on myself
5 places I've lived
1) Round Rock, TX (Cornerwood House, Pepper Rock House, Martin's Cove)
3) Mesa, AZ
4) Provo (Deseret Towers, King Henry, Brigham Young's House)
Monday, September 22, 2008
I do love selling, I really do. I'm just ready for something new. I'm ready to wake up without anxiety and come home earlier than 9 p.m. I also wish everyone hadn't left because we had so much fun. It was fun to drive out with the boys and take naps in the car or sit at Jack-In-The-Box for two hours (wups). It was fun to sell for 45 minutes and get 3 sales because it was hot and people couldn't help but to say yes to me. I loved coming home and playing Texas Hold 'Em for hours and then falling asleep too late and waking up too late and repeating the same day over, and over again. I loved story time and water breaks and lunches at Martin's Cove and praying for rain with everyone. We all hated what we were doing but we were competitive and we worked hard most of the time and so we enjoyed hating it, together. And now I enjoy hating it, alone.
But, because it's in my nature to do the exact opposite of what I want to do, I continue to work. And I will continue to work. And David Blaine and his record-setting self can tear a page out of my book because I am conquering the impossible, or so it seems.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
You love everyone you come in contact with. You have learned not to judge or hurt or offend. Because of this you have friends everywhere you go. You have many people that don't understand you but this doesn't change your zeal towards them. It doesn't change your love for them. You genuinely care about everyone you come in contact with. You sometimes act strange, but you still care.
I forgive you. I forgive you when we're in a public place and you hit on people half your age. I forgive you when you say things you shouldn't to my parents. I forgive you when you change your mind. I forgive you when you bring up the sexual preferences of my Aunts and Uncle at dinner with strangers. I forgive you when you make a fool of us. I do. Because I love you. And because I respect that you are trying.
You are leaving today and I am sad because our time together this time has really been special. You've seen me through a rough patch, and really taught me so much about life and love and the ability to be happy no matter what I'm going through. You made allowances for me and let me slack off a little because you know I needed it. I hope you remember to come back. I hope you remember that this is your home. I hope you need me the way I need you.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Yesterday, I was painting my chipping toenails and I looked at the callouses on my feet and had never been so proud of such an imperfection on my body. "I WORK HARD!" I exclaimed to an empty bed room. It was relief to have a visual reminder of a job well done. I realized that I might have a lot missing but one thing I've never struggled with was a lack of hard work. Even in my worst times I find a way to work hard at something. The days I'm hardest on myself, I remember my redeeming quality. The days when I feel unneeded or unhappy or when my blogs are especially depressing I remind myself of my ability to work hard and am able to pep myself right back up. I always knew this, but hadn't realized until just yesterday that I was to that lucky age when proof of my hard work shows up on my precisely manicured feet.
This trend extends far beyond my door-to-door exchanges. I have found that, in general, I am an impossible person to get to know. I push people away to their utter exhaustion, and once they've given up I am finally ready. I ask plenty of personal questions, to keep conversation heavy and focused solely on the other person. I don't answer questions. Answering questions make you responsible for your actions. I prefer to relinquish responsibility, keep the relationship primarily their responsibility, with me just weighing in when I need to. If they are invested, they are responsible when it ends. Because, just like my 30 minute daily relationships with eager pest control purchasers, the relationship will come to an end. Unlike my 30 minute daily relationships with eager pest control purchasers, I will not come out with anything but a new coping strategy.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Due to seemingly significant, short term painfully experiences, the kind her and I will look back on in 6 months and say "what the heck was our problem?" we deemed it necessary to take five, that's right, five, trips to the mall this weekend. A horrible endeavour for my bank account, but a fabulous undertaking for my pest-control-tshirt-filled wardrobe.
I don't understand retail therapy. I don't understand how spending my hard earned money makes me feel so good. It used to be that a deposit to the bank gave me this kind of high. Now, it is walking out of a store with a huge bag and an embarrassing charge on my credit card.
Regrettably, my necessity for retail therapy can be pin pointed down to one moment in time in the past month. It's like, in the matter of a half hour conversation I went from a thrifty, savings account, future thinking adult, to a spendy, fashioned, DON'T CARE! twenty-one year old. This moment keeps replaying in my head, and each time I forsake my rational thinking and curb the anxiety with more STUFF. I thought I rid my shopping habit when I left Provo. Turns out, I was just whole for a summer, but, void is back- therefore so is the STUFF. Unfortunately, this time I don't have my handy dandy shopping buddy to make me feel better about what I buy. Somehow when he is spending hundreds of dollars of jeans I feel better about doing so. Funny the effect siblings have on your rational thinking. Which is curious because we were both raised in the same family. We both ate Cream Of Wheat for breakfast every morning for 12 years. We both remember sneaking to our neighbors to watch television or, for him, to play video games. We remember the homemade gifts and made-up games. And yet, with all our humble beginnings, we somehow feel more at home in Nordstrom then in Martin's Cove.
Don't blame us though, because if you've ever been in Nordstrom you know those couches and soft, subtle piano music are very enticing...
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Friday, September 5, 2008
But REALLY she is still the angry Alanis Morissette our parents prayed we wouldn't listen to. The one outside of Joey Gladstone's window peeking on him after he broke up with her. The Alanis with one hand in her pocket, and the other one flicking a cigarette.
Is it bad to have a hero with a nicotene habit? I hope not cause she changed my life.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Because I am suffocating. Because things end, and other things begin. Because pest control doesn't sell itself. Because tomorrow is too far away. Because sometimes, waking up is enough. Because I live out of a suitcase. Because all I can do is keep breathing. Because if you don't want me, you had better TELL me. Because everyone is gone. Because my usual coping methods aren't working. Because I need to be two places and they are 1544.33 miles apart.
one day at a time
Monday, September 1, 2008
I knew it was a problem when I went into Burberry with my mother this weekend to look at a handbag I want. I knew how much it cost but, to make the saleswoman feel less stupid for lurking, and because of that look on her face that they all have that is just begging for someone to test them on their useless knowledge they spent six months of training acquiring, I asked price.
Over Zealous Saleswoman gave me the look of a proud third grader reciting her multiplication tables, as if she were saying, "Easy, now give me a hard one next time." I averted eye contact and smiled politely so she would know I only wanted my answer and after that her turn to speak was over.
I half-intentionally averted eye contact with Mom as well. She didn't need to say anything for me to know she was in shock that her thrifty daughter would hold such a purchase in her hand. What she didn't realize was that not only was I coveting this beige and red piece of heaven, I was recalculating my budget for next month's grocery list, once again, so I don't have to dip into savings. I take the phrase "starving student" to a whole new level.
I rationalize it like this. Why spend twenty bucks on a purse you will have to replace once a month when you can buy one that will last forever and you won't get sick of for at least 3 months? Plus it's FABULOUS. And CLASSY.
Many people have told me that when I get married I'm going to have to face a harsh reality when I have to share my bank account and run all purchases by the other half. Even more reason to never wed.
Even more reason to stock up now. Plus, how grateful will a husband be when he finds out that his wife has an amazing ability to set aside a couple extra hundred dollars each month and purchase things with NO Buyers Remorse. That, my friends, is a trait worthy of my domestic housewife resume. I'm always looking for bullet points to add to that short list. So far I have two and both involve doing household chores in my underwear.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Whether I deserve it or not (I don't), I seem to have reached the point in my life that everyone worthy of giving any advice in the past 3 years have been referring to when they talk about The Time In Your Life When You Make The Most Important Decisions. It seems like everything I choose to do or not do will dramatically effect my future. Lucky Charms or Raisin Bran? I dunno, let me get on my knees for that one.
Decisions are strange things. For someone like me, who would rather eat string cheese than make decisions (and I would rather die than eat string cheese) it's like a daily mystery of what I am going to do. I've been known to pack an entire suitcase, realize I don't want to wear those outfits anymore, unpack that entire suitcase, and start the process all over again. I mean, we're talking indecisive, man. There's a certain sense of peace that comes from making a decision, a feeling I have only felt twice in my life. Both times I wrote a 5-page entry in my journal describing the feeling, because I didn't want to forget it. In fact, I read those journal pages often in attempt to relive that euphoria. A euphoria close to the feeling of falling in love for the first time, or having a baby (i can imagine), or finding that handbag that you have wanted for months is on sale!
And yet, knowing what it feels like to make a decision, I still find myself at a standstill, sifting through idea after idea of how I should chart my life, praying that Cleo is going to call me in the morning and tell me to avoid this path, or watch out for this person. I suppose most girls my age dream of their wedding day or building their first house. Not me, I dream in week periods, praying that maybe I will be able to pick out an outfit for church without ripping all my hair out.
Saturday, August 30, 2008
"What kind of car did you get?"
"An Avenger" (uh-ven-ger)
"Say that again."
"Read the car name, and say it again"
"Uh Ven Ger"
"Ah Ven Ger"
"No, Uh Ven Ger"
Cue all those hours I've spend on dictionary.com when I realized that if I was driving an Uh-Ven-Ger I would be driving a verb to take vengeance or exact satisfaction for. Maybe I should go back to college.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Weird day today. Mostly because I woke up thinking I was going to be moving to Utah in three weeks, and will go to bed knowing differently. Also, because tomorrow I'm going to wake up at 6 a.m. That in and of itself is quite strange, but the real shocker is that I will be teaching a group of teenagers whose main motive, if I remember high school well enough, and I'd like to think that I do, is to talk to all the hot boys and girls IMMEDIATELY because maybe, just maybe he is your soul mate. For 50 minutes I will attempt, in any way possible, to get them to not talk to their neighbors, not pass notes, not text in class and to maybe listen to me and feel the Spirit. I might resort to getting on my hands and knees with lots and lots of candy begging, if that's what it takes. I would like to not have to do that because I don't pay money for clothes so I can ruin them.
As I've gotten older, I've learned to hate teenagers. Mostly because I was such a selfish teenager that living 6 years with myself was more than enough. I also remember how confused and subsequently euphoric I was in that phase of life. Part of me wishes someone would have hit me upside the head and explained to me what real life was like (actually I suppose He tried, but I was too selfish, confused, and euphoric to listen). The whole 'ignorance is bliss' mentality got pretty old as soon as I got pretty old and realized that people don't stop the bus when you're running late, you can't bat your eyelashes and get what you want (okay that's not true), you can't romanticise those relationships that deep down you know won't see it a day past Sunday, and you can't expect to have the same best friends forever. My stark realization that reality bites came sometime around winter 2005, and then again in winter 2006, oh and in late winter 2008 as well. Probably all that dang snow. Having lived through this horrible, reoccurring, white-blanket covered transition makes me want to share it with everyone I meet. I fear, however, that if I started walking up to teenagers in the street saying "SOMEDAY ALL THAT CHOCOLATE YOU ARE EATING IS GOING TO SHOW UP IN PLACES YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW HAD FAT GLANDS AND PROBABLY WITHIN THE SAME MONTH YOUR PARENTS WILL NO LONGER GIVE YOU MONEY!!" people might not want to walk around with me anymore. So instead I have become one of those adults that pretends to enjoy the responsibility.
Which is why, tomorrow, when I stand in front of those pimple faced teens I will recount my good experiences from those years and spend 50 minutes encouraging them to work a little harder and do a little better because it only goes downhill from here.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
It is worth mentioning that everyone in this above picture is married, but me. I seem to remember a list that was passed around our ward freshman year listing us girls in order of Most Likely To Wed In The Next Five Years to Most Likely To Be An Old, Saggy Spinster. On said list Liz, Rachel and Lauren were far ahead of me. Not hard to accomplish seeing as how I was pulling of the rear on the spinster side. Did we call it, or did we call it?
It is evident that, at this point, the only real control I have over my life is what kind of animal I will become obsessed with. Old spinsters always have an animal to keep them company. Regrettably, the idea of living with a smelly dog or annoying cat send shrills down my spine. Maybe I'll just get a garden. Then again I'm not a fan of eating healthy when I'm lonely. Where do they make ice cream? Wherever it is, that's where I'm going to retire. The Ben and Jerry headquarters.
I thought seriously just now about deleting that extremely depressing stream of conscience. I didn't though because I wouldn't be me if I wasn't complete estranged from reality and how life really works. Congratulation, Lauren. I hope my detachment doesn't take any of the joy from your big day.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
The only way that I am able to talk about anything the least bit meaninful to Mr. Blog is by pretending that no one I know, or write about, will read it. As I let go of this denial and realize that not only did I choose to make this site public, but I also provided a link on my facebook, as well as bring it up daily in common conversation (the phrase that most often escapes my mouth besides "Sorry, to bother you, are you the homeowner?" is "I need to blog about that!"). But okay, back to denial.
I am always surprised when someone says "oh, I read your blog," or when I go on my Mom's computer and this website is open, or, as happened on Sunday night, Joseph begins to quote, from memory, something I had written about that day. I immediately think in my mind of everything I've written and wonder if they'll be offended.
I suppose this blog could be part of my new resolve to be honest. Due in part to the many instances in the past year when I've been called out for being less than truthful, as well as a very persuasive Pep-Talk from the Pep-Talker Champion himself, I am now a newly honest woman.
As far as this website is concerned, I write for myself. I realize people are going to read, I deal with it. But I am honest. And it's very refreshing.
Monday, August 18, 2008
So, the boys came home with me. The fun started on the drive home when a song came on my iPod. I was about to change it for sentimental reasons until I heard them both singing along. It would make sense if the song was like "I Am A Child Of God." But, no, no, it was Fall For You by Secondhand Serenade. WORD FOR WORD.
Then we were getting ready for bed and Joseph comes into my room with a half a cup of toothpaste IN the palm of his hand.
"What are you doing weirdo?"
"Brushing my teeth."
"Brushing my teeth."
Apparently he has 700 more teeth to brush than the rest of us.
"Elyse I have a TINY bladder, but Kyria's is probably smaller."
"Can you guys be done saying your prayers cause I'm lonely."
(undeniable resemblance to something his eldest sister would say)
"I love this entry."
Joseph while on intowhatyousay.blogspot.com. He then proceeded to read my blog, my inner most thoughts, aloud. let me crawl under a rock.
I am blessed to have these boys with all their knowledge, simplicity and perspective. They are everything that is missing in the world.
Saturday, August 16, 2008
I associate crying with needing people and I don't like doing either
I have an incredibly hidden talent to be the kindest, most generous person you'll ever meet
I love comfort and being with people who make me feel comfortable
I miss places I've never been
I love pancakes in the middle of the night
I am blessed beyond measure and beyond anything I deserve
There's a corner of my heart permanently reserved for Collin Farrell
I work hard for what I want and pray that someone somewhere will work that hard for me
I get in bed each night with no regrets from the day.
Friday, August 15, 2008
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Normal being the operative word.
I am blogging, so there is a hint of normality somewhere in my old body. And I will try to keep it positive because of all the generous acts and phonecalls and text messages and blogs (Thanks, Mom!) and iphones that have been abundant, and very appreciated. The last thing I want is for anyone to think I am ungrateful. Because I'm not. I just hate August 14.
Let me try to explain.
2005- I won't go into much detail about my 18th birthday. It included many tears. about moving out. going to college. being cheated on. being fat. having a lot of attention. etc.
2006- Nineteen was interesting. My day consisted of working. (Working!) And going to dinner with my family. Its the working part that did it for me. Being an adult blows because you work on your birthday. And presents are null because, as adults, if we need something we buy it (we can afford it because we work all the time) and if we don't need it, we convince ourselves we don't want it.
2007- Last year I had the joy of spending my birthday with my sister, who knew about my relationship with birthdays, so she flew up to be with me. The boy I was dating at the time did not feel obligated to give up much of MY time on MY birthday to spend with MY sister/ best friend/ other half/ significant other for life/ confidante etc. I was like a Cherry Twizzler Pull-In-Peel just coming apart and being pulled, twisted, and eaten alive. I spent the majority of the night curled up on a Lovesac with Kyria bawling my eyes out. Thank goodness for her.
Year by year, my measure of a good birthday has decreased. Currently, a good birthday is one in which I do not cry. So far so good for today. Although I did feel a tear come along as I read my mother's "Ode to Mo" earlier. Thanks again, Mom.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
I really do love running. I love the feeling of pushing myself and accomplishing something all on my own. In fact, if I could avoid the gym and just run on an empty street without any meat-heads, or perfectly proportioned women, I would. The problem is that this is a scary world we live in full of homeless people and rapists and people walking around with baseball bats just waiting to attack the first innocent girl they see. No thank you. I will take judgement, and steroid-ridden 5-foot-tall Mexicans, little Asians with boob jobs and a gym full of people trying to test my confidence any day over the man with the bat.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Me: Hi. How are you
Cami: Good. How are you
Me: Good. What are you doing
Cami: Laying in my bed. You.
Me: Just selling. Wishing I was laying in my bed...
Moral of the story, we like to just lay in bed. Usually when we're together we spend half the time at a restaurant sitting, wasting our waiter's time and chewing the fat, and the other half is spent laying in a bed talking or sulking or whatever. It is this really great relationship we have.
This summer, I haven't really been laying in bed. I've been, like, selling a lot of pest control and, like, other unimportant things. I made up for lost time this week. I got home from work at about 10 on Thursday night. I immediately got into bed. Got up to wash my face. Got back in bed. I watched the episode of Grey's Anatomy that was in the dvd player 3 times over because I didn't want to get up. This lasting 14 hours. I migrated to the bath tub and read and layed and washed. Then got back in my bed for 4 more hours, until it was time to work again. 18 hours.
And when Rex came to pick me up for work and asked what I'd been doing, I, for once, wasn't lying when I said, "Nothing."
Monday, August 4, 2008
Rex pulls up in the car as to signalize he wants me to come with him. I express my urgency to just knocked a few more doors. He rolls his eyes and begins to drive away. He rolls down the window and shouts, "YOURE ADDICTED TO PEST CONTROL!!!"
To prove a point I said "No, I will get in the car right now."
"Okay.. Well, let me just knock one more door."
He drove away before I could see his eyes roll.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Friday, August 1, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I'm afraid of all of those things- especially cutting out the carbs..
Adults see their siblings on holidays and see their parents even less often. Adults face rainy days without fear. They clear their head and make decisions. They raise children, and watch foodTV and go to bed at 9. I watch The Hills, don't make decisions and blog about it, and, since 2001, have made it a point to stay up til at least 1 a.m. Not to mention any child that turns out like me should fear for their sanity.
Somehow, despite my best avoidance techniques I find myself on the home stretch of the grey area in between teenhood and adulthood- filing taxes, paying bills, contemplating decisions I am nowhere near ready for and sacrificing my relationships for adult endeavours. I've surprised myself with the poise with which I've handled this gap.
Correction: I've surprised myself with the quasi-poise in which I've convinced everyone around me that I am a whole person with whole goals and desires. Really I am broken and estranged and an eagle in sheep's clothing. Just bend the pieces 'til they fit, baby.
Friday, July 25, 2008
-Nestle Sugar Cookie dough (uncooked, obviously.)- Pillsbury comes in a close second but with Nestle, i can eat an entire tube in a matter of one, depressing, weekend
-Whoever came up with cookies-and-cream ice cream- I am impartial to brand, size, or quantity- just put oreos in my vanilla ice cream and turn on an episode of The Hills and I'm set for a good 60 minutes
-Beto's California Burrito- it's only redeeming quality is that i don't like cheese so instead of lard, lard, and lard, it's just lard & lard.
-churros- again, impartial to brand. Maybe its the deep fried thing, maybe its the covered in sugar thing.
-the Wendy's value menu- Wendy's made it on the list twice, with good reason.
-the cute, probably 17-year-old, sandwich-preparer at Subway who gives me a free cookie if i smile at him the right way thus turning my healthy Club sandwich into an unhealthy meal because, naturally, a coke is requisite because free cookies make me thirsty and since i recently read an article about the damaging effects of aspartame (curse you Time Magazine for keeping me informed) i now drink regular soda and BAM cute, 17-year-old just added 500 calories to my meal all because of my smile
-chips. and salsa.
-snickers, twix, twix remix, fast break, 100 grand, junior mints, etc, etc...
Seriously though, what happened to the An-Apple-For-Every-Meal Elyse?
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The critics were impressed, but not convinced. Charmed but not smitten. I knew. I knew there was something to come of this different man.
He's gone now and there are lives and new loves and a different haircut and so many other changes. I learned from him to not be afraid of change. I learned to not shy away from being adored. Most of all I learned. For the first time in my life I took an experience and turned it into an instruction, a course on living life fully and loving whole-heartedly. A pivotal, steady, and unforgettable lesson.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Then there's Utah. Utah has a special place in my heart because its where I learned to be Me. Its where I stopped caring what people thought and started living my life. Utah is where I made my adult mistakes and made my adult decisions and started eating fast food and sprained my wrist and kissed a whole lot of boys I didn't know and made friends I will never forget. Its home. And today, I'm going to go visit that place. And for 7 days I'm going to be home. And I'm going to miss home. And I'm going to be confused and happy and comfortable all in one week.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I submit that one thing we all picked up from the media is pain avoidance. How else can you explain such a common thread?
Being the sheltered child I was, I missed out on many seemingly necessary media experiences. Perhaps this will account for my strange relationship with pain.
I was that girl on the playground poking the bee's nest to see if they would bite me. I touched hot curling irons, stepped on poison ivy with my bare feet, and listened to my dad when he said to eat a piece of fruit he picked up off the ground in Hawaii (resulting in a swollen, numb tongue) or jump off that 40 foot cliff cause it wouldn't hurt. (Yeah right, Father. Ever heard of a belly flop? Still painful, 15 years later.)
That trend of pushing my limits carried into adulthood as I give up things because I know it will teach me some lesson (i.e. chocolate for 6 months. The consequence of that? DEPRESSION.)
Most of the time, I think I am just weird. A weird, pain loving masochist. BUT THEN (!) comes the emblazened Rod Dial in my mind searching for any benefit of the doubt to give myself. Here it is.
Pain is God's creation to remind us of our humanity. Pain isn't bad. Pain tells us when to stop. Pain has our back. He wants attention every once in a while, but not too much, and not for prolonged periods of time. Anywhere you are, pain has been there first. He understands that we will flee as soon as we've had enough. He ain't high maintanence. He's got plenty of beaus.
Pain is my freakin' boyfriend, and he's taught me a lot through the years. We're breaking up today because I'm turning over a new leaf. Its called pain-avoidance, a sport participated in by at 6 billion people, and I'm stepping into the ring.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
"I was thinking about it and -blah blah blah- I'm going to Hawaii!"
Mom yips, the boys think that means we're all going to Hawaii so they're excited, Nikka begins calculating how many hours of babysitting equate one round-trip plane ticket. Grandma is confused about the excitement, and Dad stands up and hugs Kyria congratulating her for making a decision. See, my dad is all about decision making. As adults, the decisions we make are rarely criticized, instead we receive heat if we don't make a decision at all.
When all the hustle and bustle died down I said, "Now wait Dad, Kyria just got laude for deciding what she's doing in the fall. Where's my praise? Where's my hug?"
"Let me get this straight, you want a praise for dropping out of college?"
"Hey, its a decision."
He stands up, comes over to where I am and gives me a hug. He talks so only I can hear and says, "We all know how difficult it is for you to make decisions. Way to go darling."
And then, 5 minutes later, came Grandma's delayed reaction. "Who's going to Hawaii?!?!"
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Secondly, Apple, teamed up with AT&T, has created a monopoly. It's true. I just saw an advertisement- Which by the way, I love advertisements, I could look at them all day. Just the way they mix images and words to make it appealing is really fantastic and sends me into a tizzy of thoughts about how I would have created the ad and if my way would have been better and if I would have won a Clio- the ad wasn't even for the iPhone but all it said was "Best iPhone Rivals: even if you can't switch carriers yet, you can still enjoy some features of the iPhone." Basically insinuating that we will ALL switch carriers and ALL enjoy EVERY feature of the iPhone because we will someday ALL have the iPhone and Apple will rule the world.
Maybe the reason this maddens me so is because A. monopolies are the antithesis of the free market society which we should all seek and foster in our pursuit of a Perfect! America!. Secondly, I want, need, covet anyone who has, and would give my left kidney to obtain, an iPhone. Curse you consumerism!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
As usual, I have my own way of doing things. I just don't let go, not for the long term at least. When attempting this, I will go through a complete detox process, stick it through the hard part, and then, like a dog to it's vomit, return to the habit, person, or trial.
When you don't let go, you avoid the pain of loss, which is most of the appeal. What is forfeited, however, is the glorious strength of overcoming. The prospect of a lucid heart and mind; free from sadness or pain or unneeded ties.
P.s. "She leaves and I'm alone and I'm surprised to be here and part of me is relieved and part of me is disappointed and part of me is confused and I don't know what I'm going to do. I can either leave or stay. I can either leave or stay? Leaving means going back to addiction and facing either death or Jail. Staying means leaving addiction and facing something that is unknown to me. I'm not sure which scares me more." James Frey