In the past year I have moved a lot. Each time it's to embark on some new adventure way beyond my maturity level. Typically, moving leaves me with feelings of anxiety, sadness, and uncertainty. Strangely, this time is completely different. I don't know exactly what it is. The pessimist in me would suggest that I am too calloused to feel these feelings anymore. That's not it though because I am only 21 and I lead a relatively charmed life. It might be because I am sick and the only emotions that accompany illness for me are perpetual lethargy and the desire to heave my phone into oncoming traffic when it rings. It also might be that I am leaving to go to Aruba and then Texas which could possibly be my first and second places on earth. Who feels anxiety when they live like this?
Reminds me of one my favorite Rod Dial quotes, which also happens to be my goal in life:
"When I go out of town I have to call it a trip because my entire life is a vacation."
Ever thought about how weird getting dressed is. It's like you have this closet full of clothes and shoes and a chest full of jewelry and everyday you have to pick something to wear. Everyday. Over. And Over. And then you wash all your clothes and repeat the cycle. And sometimes you go shopping and add new things to the mass of articles just making the decision harder. And you know you'll look good in about 85% of the things you put on but still you act like it's this big decision and you wonder when the last time was your wore something and will people notice. Mostly, however, you end up wearing the same things. You have that favorite pair of jean and that favorite top that look great together so you end up wearing them often. And no one notices, but of course you think they notice. You are narcissistic enough to believe that people are memorizing your outfits. But who has time for that? No one. So why do we all do it?
I used to get really excited for summer because I wore the same thing everyday. My swimsuit. Sometimes I would change coverups but ultimately I was wearing the same thing. I still get excited for summer but not in the same way. Because really the older you get the more the months blend together and it's either school or it's work but there is always something stressing you out. When really, all you want to do is wear your swim suit, day in and day out.
Kyria is in the process of applying for Utah residency so that her tuition will be cheaper. This weekend my mom was gently reminding her of the things she had left to do.
Mom: "You have to send them your tax forms, which is easy because you don't have a job. You have to register your vehicle here, which is easy because you don't have a car. Remember, Kyria, if you don't do this you won't be going to school next semester you're going to have to take online classes and work-"
Me: "Hold on a second, Mom, do we have a new family joke...?"
Mom: "No. Elyse. Be nice."
Me: "First no basketball,"
Me: "now no car, no job, soon enough no education. Wow, Kyria you have truly outdone yourself."
See, the significance of this is that I was in first place for a while what with 2007 and 2008 being the years that I broke up with every boy my parent's like, dropped out of college, and started getting my own opinions. Looks like I've been dethrowned. Now, if we could only find something wrong with Rodney and then we can all get a good laugh.
9 lasts: Last dollar spent: Nordstrom Last cigarette: gross Last beverage: water Last movie: He's Just Not That Into You Last phone call: Matt Pepper waaaah!! Last song played: Makin' Dat Doe. On repeat. Last bubble bath: Martin's Cove in the summer. Every friday morning after Yoga Last time you cried: Thursday night Last thing you ate: Christian's gum
8 have you evers: Have you ever dated a best friend: no. Have you ever skinny dipped: i did nothing else from 1999-2002 Have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: 2006-2007 Have you ever lost someone you loved: in different ways Have you ever been dumped: 2008. Have you ever been drunk and threw up: no Have you ever ran away: 1993. but my barbie jeep ran out of battery so i decided to go back home
7 states you've been to: 1. Washington 2. New York 3. Illinois 4. Kentucky 5. Colorado 6. Texas 7. Florida
6 things you've done today: 1. Church 2. Derek's graduation party 3. Saw Christian for the first time in 3 weeks 4. talked to Matt for the first time in over 2 years 5. snuck onto Osmond Lane with my mom 6. thought about the beach
5 of your favorite things: 1. Waking up in a hotel room knowing that you're in a different place and that you can do anything you want for a whole day or week or whatever 2. Exercising 3. Working 4. Spending money. for some reason it gives me a sick thrill 5. Eating candy for breakfast
4 people you can tell [almost] anything to: 1. Kyria 2. Nikka 3. - 4. -
3 things that make you smile: 1. the gospel 2. being in love 3. Friends. the television show, not mine.
2 things you want to do before you die: 1. Raise kids who don't resent me 2. move overseas with my husband
went to campus to take my media ethics final- mistake number one, school? saturday?- during the test i kept having that feeling that there was something i'd rather be doing. what is it? what would i rather be doing right now? i can't exactly figure it out... oh my gosh! i know! i would rather be trying on shoes and swim suits at the mall. okay... A, C, C, D, A, yes, no, true, true, true, true, fill in the blank with random crap, gave my test to my professor with a pleading smile and went to the mall. so when i said that school wasn't my first priority, what i meant was that school is not my first priority.
My life has followed such a consistent pattern for the past 3 years that sometimes when I meet someone new I want to introduce myself followed by an, "Okay but don't get too attached. In 6 months this will be beyond complicated and one or both of us won't be talking to the other. But I'm flattered. And for the record, you're really attractive. Bye."
I am an optimistic person. I realize that anyone reading my blog probably thinks I am CRAZY but in reality I am generally one of the happier people walking around. I don't worry about what's going to happen. I don't freak out if people don't do what I want. I let life happen to me. I have extreme faith that everything happens for a reason and that the things that are happening in my life right now are happening exactly how they are supposed to. I blame this (a) on my religion and (b) on my hope that I have learned from those days when everything seems like it's going wrong but a week or month or year later I realize that a bad test grade or a break-up or a lost friendship was supposed to happen and that my world is IN FACT not over. This week has been an interesting week but I know that I have experienced difficulties far worse than any of this and so it's all going to be okay.
Ever had that feeling of not wanting to do anything? At all. And then you look in your calender and you have to do everything. All at once. And you also realize that your life is confusing and you don't know what's going on and things happen that are good but also bad and then it's finals week so you should be really motivated but you can't so you really just want to online shop? And then you're in the back of the library sitting down and some security guard on a power trip comes up to you and tells you that sitting on the ground in the library is a fire hazard and that they designed chairs for the library. And you say that if there is a fire I won't be sitting here, but I will be evacuating the library with everyone else, and he says that you can't sit here. And you say I want to sit on the floor so where should I go. And he says you can't sit on the floor and you say okay and act like you're packing up your stuff but as soon as he rounds the corner you sit right back down. And you feel like 3rd grade all over again. Ever experienced that?
Well, I have found the eternal cure for this predicament. And SURPRISE it does not require spending massive amounts of money. It's called laying bed. Laying in bed under the covers and turning your phone and brain off and just laying there. Sometimes, if it is really bad, I lay there under the covers with my phone off and brain off and put three songs on repeat.
Happy Birthday Luke! Today is your birthday and that's wierd because I wish I was there so you could wipe the lip gloss off your cheek after I gave you a big birthday kiss and made fun of you because you don't like girls. You are the greatest younger brother a girl could ask for. I still remember that time in San Diego when we on the beach and I was supposed to be watching you but I fell asleep so you wandered off and somehow got yourself extremely muddy and when you came back you woke me up and I looked at those board shorts that you wore sagging down half your butt and I just laughed at you because of course you're mischievous enough to somehow find the only mud in California, but, true to character, you came back because you wouldn't have the mind to run away or anything. That's you, never trying to cause any stress for people, but sometimes you can't deny your childish ways.
I called you today to wish you happy birthday and you proceeded to give me a list of your "Top Three Boy I've Dated". I thought this was a fitting present because, if I can be honest, the way I judge if a boy is worth my time is if he will pass the Lucas test. Newsflash to any prospects, Luke can be bought at the cheap price of a wakeboard and a basketball.
Those are my other favorite memories of you. Those days a couple summers ago when Rodney was gone and the Wakerats were gone and Dad and I would go on the boat and bring you along and you would take a run chilling behind the boat with your typical Dial Man stare. Then you would talk about going on the boat until the next time we took you out. You would also request going to McDonald's. Luckily that phase is over.
You are the best, Luke, and I love every minute I spend with you.