Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I'm afraid of all of those things- especially cutting out the carbs..
Adults see their siblings on holidays and see their parents even less often. Adults face rainy days without fear. They clear their head and make decisions. They raise children, and watch foodTV and go to bed at 9. I watch The Hills, don't make decisions and blog about it, and, since 2001, have made it a point to stay up til at least 1 a.m. Not to mention any child that turns out like me should fear for their sanity.
Somehow, despite my best avoidance techniques I find myself on the home stretch of the grey area in between teenhood and adulthood- filing taxes, paying bills, contemplating decisions I am nowhere near ready for and sacrificing my relationships for adult endeavours. I've surprised myself with the poise with which I've handled this gap.
Correction: I've surprised myself with the quasi-poise in which I've convinced everyone around me that I am a whole person with whole goals and desires. Really I am broken and estranged and an eagle in sheep's clothing. Just bend the pieces 'til they fit, baby.
Friday, July 25, 2008
-Nestle Sugar Cookie dough (uncooked, obviously.)- Pillsbury comes in a close second but with Nestle, i can eat an entire tube in a matter of one, depressing, weekend
-Whoever came up with cookies-and-cream ice cream- I am impartial to brand, size, or quantity- just put oreos in my vanilla ice cream and turn on an episode of The Hills and I'm set for a good 60 minutes
-Beto's California Burrito- it's only redeeming quality is that i don't like cheese so instead of lard, lard, and lard, it's just lard & lard.
-churros- again, impartial to brand. Maybe its the deep fried thing, maybe its the covered in sugar thing.
-the Wendy's value menu- Wendy's made it on the list twice, with good reason.
-the cute, probably 17-year-old, sandwich-preparer at Subway who gives me a free cookie if i smile at him the right way thus turning my healthy Club sandwich into an unhealthy meal because, naturally, a coke is requisite because free cookies make me thirsty and since i recently read an article about the damaging effects of aspartame (curse you Time Magazine for keeping me informed) i now drink regular soda and BAM cute, 17-year-old just added 500 calories to my meal all because of my smile
-chips. and salsa.
-snickers, twix, twix remix, fast break, 100 grand, junior mints, etc, etc...
Seriously though, what happened to the An-Apple-For-Every-Meal Elyse?
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
The critics were impressed, but not convinced. Charmed but not smitten. I knew. I knew there was something to come of this different man.
He's gone now and there are lives and new loves and a different haircut and so many other changes. I learned from him to not be afraid of change. I learned to not shy away from being adored. Most of all I learned. For the first time in my life I took an experience and turned it into an instruction, a course on living life fully and loving whole-heartedly. A pivotal, steady, and unforgettable lesson.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Then there's Utah. Utah has a special place in my heart because its where I learned to be Me. Its where I stopped caring what people thought and started living my life. Utah is where I made my adult mistakes and made my adult decisions and started eating fast food and sprained my wrist and kissed a whole lot of boys I didn't know and made friends I will never forget. Its home. And today, I'm going to go visit that place. And for 7 days I'm going to be home. And I'm going to miss home. And I'm going to be confused and happy and comfortable all in one week.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
I submit that one thing we all picked up from the media is pain avoidance. How else can you explain such a common thread?
Being the sheltered child I was, I missed out on many seemingly necessary media experiences. Perhaps this will account for my strange relationship with pain.
I was that girl on the playground poking the bee's nest to see if they would bite me. I touched hot curling irons, stepped on poison ivy with my bare feet, and listened to my dad when he said to eat a piece of fruit he picked up off the ground in Hawaii (resulting in a swollen, numb tongue) or jump off that 40 foot cliff cause it wouldn't hurt. (Yeah right, Father. Ever heard of a belly flop? Still painful, 15 years later.)
That trend of pushing my limits carried into adulthood as I give up things because I know it will teach me some lesson (i.e. chocolate for 6 months. The consequence of that? DEPRESSION.)
Most of the time, I think I am just weird. A weird, pain loving masochist. BUT THEN (!) comes the emblazened Rod Dial in my mind searching for any benefit of the doubt to give myself. Here it is.
Pain is God's creation to remind us of our humanity. Pain isn't bad. Pain tells us when to stop. Pain has our back. He wants attention every once in a while, but not too much, and not for prolonged periods of time. Anywhere you are, pain has been there first. He understands that we will flee as soon as we've had enough. He ain't high maintanence. He's got plenty of beaus.
Pain is my freakin' boyfriend, and he's taught me a lot through the years. We're breaking up today because I'm turning over a new leaf. Its called pain-avoidance, a sport participated in by at 6 billion people, and I'm stepping into the ring.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
"I was thinking about it and -blah blah blah- I'm going to Hawaii!"
Mom yips, the boys think that means we're all going to Hawaii so they're excited, Nikka begins calculating how many hours of babysitting equate one round-trip plane ticket. Grandma is confused about the excitement, and Dad stands up and hugs Kyria congratulating her for making a decision. See, my dad is all about decision making. As adults, the decisions we make are rarely criticized, instead we receive heat if we don't make a decision at all.
When all the hustle and bustle died down I said, "Now wait Dad, Kyria just got laude for deciding what she's doing in the fall. Where's my praise? Where's my hug?"
"Let me get this straight, you want a praise for dropping out of college?"
"Hey, its a decision."
He stands up, comes over to where I am and gives me a hug. He talks so only I can hear and says, "We all know how difficult it is for you to make decisions. Way to go darling."
And then, 5 minutes later, came Grandma's delayed reaction. "Who's going to Hawaii?!?!"
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Secondly, Apple, teamed up with AT&T, has created a monopoly. It's true. I just saw an advertisement- Which by the way, I love advertisements, I could look at them all day. Just the way they mix images and words to make it appealing is really fantastic and sends me into a tizzy of thoughts about how I would have created the ad and if my way would have been better and if I would have won a Clio- the ad wasn't even for the iPhone but all it said was "Best iPhone Rivals: even if you can't switch carriers yet, you can still enjoy some features of the iPhone." Basically insinuating that we will ALL switch carriers and ALL enjoy EVERY feature of the iPhone because we will someday ALL have the iPhone and Apple will rule the world.
Maybe the reason this maddens me so is because A. monopolies are the antithesis of the free market society which we should all seek and foster in our pursuit of a Perfect! America!. Secondly, I want, need, covet anyone who has, and would give my left kidney to obtain, an iPhone. Curse you consumerism!
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
As usual, I have my own way of doing things. I just don't let go, not for the long term at least. When attempting this, I will go through a complete detox process, stick it through the hard part, and then, like a dog to it's vomit, return to the habit, person, or trial.
When you don't let go, you avoid the pain of loss, which is most of the appeal. What is forfeited, however, is the glorious strength of overcoming. The prospect of a lucid heart and mind; free from sadness or pain or unneeded ties.
P.s. "She leaves and I'm alone and I'm surprised to be here and part of me is relieved and part of me is disappointed and part of me is confused and I don't know what I'm going to do. I can either leave or stay. I can either leave or stay? Leaving means going back to addiction and facing either death or Jail. Staying means leaving addiction and facing something that is unknown to me. I'm not sure which scares me more." James Frey
Friday, July 4, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Finally, the moment of reckoning came. The exit was getting closer- 1/4 mile, then 100 yards, then I could see it, then it was time to turn my blinker on. Then, as though I grew up all in one instant I passed right by that exit and went home.
Pat on the freakin' back.
And for dinner I did have salad. Oh, and ice cream.
Still, it's progress.