jan 2011

it feels like a brick was sitting on my chest, or like i had swallowed an apple whole. i was alone because i preferred it that way. it was 4 am. why am i awake. my answer didn't come until i looked at my calendar- i had a 5:30 meeting. i asked my mind how long this would last because i needed to be able to do my hair. my mind didn't have an answer because she wasn't functioning. she was asking me when i was going to pay attention to my emotions. i thought if i called justin he might be able to tell me to snap out of it, i would only listen if he said it. he was asleep. i forgot we hadn't talked in weeks. that made me upset.

i went to my yoga mat. i just lay there. sometimes when i get on my yoga mat i automatically start breathing slow. that would be a welcomed break from these short choppy noises that indicated my attempt to squeeze air in and out of my lungs. when that didn't work i put on my tennis shoes. i ran up to the roof. back down to the bottom. back to the top. back down. i repeated this until my knees buckled.

i got in the shower. maybe if i went through the motion i could evade this panic. immediately, standing became the most arduous task so i sat down in the hot water rain. eventually, i got back in bed. my sheets felt soft. henri was awake by now. poor guy. i wish i wasn't alone. then i'm glad i'm alone because this isn't me.

in the months after this moment, when people comment on my strenght i want to tell them about that morning.. that feeling. that weakness within me that causes my emotions to explode into one horrible momentary lapse in the ability to think or breathe.