Friday, June 20, 2008

once a caterpillar, always a caterpillar

I live in Austin. And I grew up in Austin. Seems like a no-brainer. But its not. It's like finding an old pair of pumps that were lost for a few years. And when you found them they had been polished and the heel had been repaired and someone has put a Dr. Scholls insert in so they fit even better than they did before. Most of the time, I love it. I love living here as an adult and hanging out with friends both new and old. I love going to the same places, restaurants, churches, etc that I went to as a child and teenager, and remembering exactly why I felt in love with this place. I love having my family close enough to visit on a whim. I love being able to go to lunch with my parents at the drop of a hat and being able to have my mom hold me and tell me everything will be okay. I wished for that for the past 3 years and never had it.

Only problem is, my feet grew, so the perfect shoes are still perfect but they don't fit. Just like this town. Three years ago I was immature and silly and indecisive. Now I am.. well, immature and silly and indecisive. Okay, bad example.

What has changed is that I'm driven and optimistic and thoughtful. I actually have reasons for my actions. I pay attention to my surroundings and think about cause and effect. I don't worry about menial things.

I'm not who I once was. But this place expects me to be. And doesn't believe me despite my most persuasive acts. And tries to convince me I am 18 again. I've fought so hard to not fall back into old habits. I would have never predicted the crux of this struggle would be moving to the place I feel most comfortable.

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