Realization

I was sitting in Media Ethics, a Communications class centered on “good” and “bad” practices, and not in a Machiavellian sort of manner where we step on everyone to get on top, but in an actual, practical business situation where individuals in the industry are trained to think in terms of what is ethical for themselves and their clients. Here I am sitting discussing my opinions, which were vastly diverse from the rest of the eager hand-raisers, and I had a feeling of personal intelligence, a feeling that is typically muted by the grades and competitiveness of my school. I don’t mean this in a hoity-toity manner, neither do I feel above any of my peers. I do feel, however, that I was taught from my infancy to do something that many people are just now learning: How to think for myself. This principle, which I considered a hindrance until just recently, is the reason I am the way the that I am. It is the reason I don’t feel all that comfortable in a classroom setting. It is the reason I laugh when students ask questions like, “Is this going to be on the test?” and “I didn’t find that in the syllabus, where is it?” Everything I do is in an effort to expand my mind, not impress professors. I seek to impress those that matter, for instance the two shining souls who taught me this strange way of doing things, my parents. I seek to impress myself and push myself and be the best I can be. I can’t help but to pity those around me who are worried about public opinion and who, for fear of standing out, do everything exactly how they were asked to.

Granted, my interesting learning technique would be better suited at a University that wasn’t so conservative, marriage driven, and full of carbon copies, however, I have decided that I add something new to the curriculum. A WOMAN who isn’t so much worried about GPA (although who isn’t a little worried about GPA, I mean I would like to be adorned with ropes when I graduate) as she is about expanding her horizons, doing something new, trying everything and becoming who I was born to become.

21

It’s the year that you buy you’re first car and you wear heels to work and your friends are married or going on missions. It’s the year that you start worrying about savings accounts and if you should have bought those groceries last night because do you really need another box of cereal? It’s the year where your brother is no longer a bullying little boy or a party animal but he has perfect attendance and studies and gets married and stuff like that. It's when you just want to be alone or be with the one but probably just alone. It's when relationships either end in sadness or in marriage. It's the year that people start wondering what you're plans are for your life and then it makes you start wondering the same thing. It's when you go to class to learn something, not just to get a good grade. It's when you watch Full House and get nostalgia about the 90's. It's when you make plans to go on trips to exotic places because it's the year when it might be your last time to do what you want without someone else to consider.

I've thought of a million good stories that would result in this tragedy. I dropped it from the 28th floor, someone dropped a dumbbell on it, there was a giant woodpecker that came in my bedroom and attacked it, I was talking on it and it just started cracking, I meant to reach for a hammer and accidentally grabbed my phone, etc. Because "I woke up and it was like that", is such a lame story. Then again, the truth is usually pretty lame. On the bright side, this phone lasted 1 month longer than my last one which I accidentally dropped in the toilet. This is progress. 

The reason I have no new posts...

My Mom taught me that if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

some places never change.

And then I woke up two days in a row and it was snowing. But the positive part about all this is that I have so many articles of clothing that don't get worn because in Texas you only need one layer. One jean. One short sleeve shirt. One pair of heels. How boring! In Utah you need something under your jeans and long sleeve shirtS and boots with thick socks and hats and scarves and then One Coat. Except everyone here thinks I'm high maintenance which isn't a problem it's just that they associate "looking good" with being "high maintenance". It's like everyone is afraid of it because they are afraid of being labeled so they just wear what everyone else is wearing which is what we all saw on the mannequin at Forever 21 last week. Boring. Ever heard of Juicy?

Also, I always wear a ring on my magic ring finger except that is SO TABOO up here because it's PROVO and every girl wants to wear a ring on the MAGIC FINGER but doesn't because the moment you have that phalange occupied you don't get asked out in line at Cafe Rio. I, of course, don't care because any boy that really wants to ask me out will realize that it's just to accesorize and will do it even with that finger occupied and he would also offer to pay for my Cafe Rio and know my name without asking. I do think it's funny when every one's eyes go from my face to my jeans to my purse to my ring finger followed by an "are you engaged?" which is followed by the infinite time in which I have responded, "no."

And that's just on the first day.

the next step

i know how to shop. boy do i know how to shop. i know how to put a charge on my nordstrom card like it's nobody's business.  i know how to run and sleep by myself or with whoever i want and wear outrageous clothes that you would think were hot and listen to sad music and sleep in and check my phone all the time. i know how to make myself dinner and watch gilmore girls and hang out with friends who won't ask to talk about it. i know how to move to a different city and act like i am fine and grow my hair out so you won't recognize me. 

i don't know how to forget and not talk to you or get rid of the things you bought me and get new. i don't know how to hold a grudge or listen to people when they say to hate you. i don't know how to ignore your text messages. i don't know how to stop worrying about if you're sleeping well and who's next to you and wonder what you're thinking about. i didn't know what to do when i was walking away but didn't want to.  

Happy New Year.