Spotlight

Sometimes my body shrinks even when my diet consists of only chocolate.

I love wearing leather.

Despite my repetitive overuse of the word Love, it scares me.

There are places in the world you have never heard of that I would like to visit. Christmas Island, is the least outrageous.

The only thing fake about me is my eyelashes.

I'm Just Saying

Thr3e.

That is the amount of people to urgently insist I remove my head phones on the trail at Town Lake today to tell me that Henri is the cutest thing they've ever seen. I was cordial, but only because I was raised by Rod and Jennifer; if my parents hadn't been southern and kind I would give them an earful.

Their questions: What breed is he? Where is he from? How do you keep him so well behaved?

My questions: This dog? Cutest thing ever? Sir Scratch-A-Lot? Mr. Take me downstairs at 2 am but don't you dare wake me up when you have to leave at 4:30? The same dog that will attack an 80 pound mastit but cowers away from Faith, my mother's 4 lb yorkie-poo? The one who forced me out of a 23 year long relationship with chocolate because he can jump 4 feet in the air and knows every hiding place.

Yeah, rethink the compliment.

Pretend

You got me. People who know us say we are the same. I know that means I am intense and passionate and obsessed with being correct. To most people it's annoying, but to you it was your life so you understood. I wasn't alone in that. I wasn't alone in anything. I felt my emotions out loud. Now I feel everything inside. I would rather pretend to be okay than deal with anyone who may not understand. I don't feel okay. I feel sick. I feel hungry. I feel uncertain. Life has become real. Precious. Necessary. I view the world as insensitive because everyone is moving on. It's not their fault but it needs to be someone's. I feel raw. Like a flower being picked apart. Soon I will run out of petals and there will just be me. No hiding.

Christmas bells are ringgging

Missing this little monster

Gonna see my twin tomorrow.

There's a hole here that is about your size

I won't tell anyone because thats not my style. I don't feel on the outside. I don't see the reason. I don't like vulnerabiity. I have a lot of growing up to do. I am certain that I miss you. I wish for one more opportunity just to let you that because you always knew what to say and you understood me. I wish I would cut through my exterior and embrace other people who get me but instead I run. Because I miss you and I don't know what else to do.






Secretly hoping nobody reads this but also hoping everyone Knows.

Week highlights

1. Best news ever is seeing my family on Christmas and seeing the orphans on the 26th. Going to be a good Holiday.2. It's been a good music week. Ciara's new album came out. Ciara is awesome. She is equal parts hoodrich and classy. She wears J's and Chanel. She is hot and hangs out with the likes of Jeezy and Kanye. I will admit I purchased the cd on it's opening day and had my favorite songs picked out in less than an hour. I was also reminded of my love for Feist (The Limit To Your Love) and old school Ingrid Michaelson (Let Go is on repeat) Last but not least Jamie Foxx ft. Drake Fall for Your Type. The song is good, the video is better. Especially Drake's part (of course I'm partial). 3.Work. Is. Good. Great. Better. Best. 4.Got a message from a friend (shoutout!) saying that she has been "stalking me religiously" on facebook, twitter, and my blog and could not figure out where I am or what I'm doing. Boy, was I relieved. I have severe identidy crisis when people know things about me, so the greatest news is that, despite my months a intense vulnerability to the world, I still maintain a bit of mystery.

Of course Thursday was the best day of the week, as always. And, it's pretty early, but Friday is shaping up to be pretty great too.

Don't need your feedback

I have been reminiscing about funny dating stories and thinking how they would be fun to document on this page but then I realized that 65% of the people in my past are still tied to my present. In fact, are you reading this? Creepy. I suppose those inflated readership stats from Blogger.com have to come from somewhere. I'll have to reserve story time for girlfriends and little brothers.

Still, there is a problem with that. So much for clean breaks.

Progression

I have been thinking about how commitment can force you to move forward. This came from a day of hating my apartment. My door handle fell of, my lights stopped working, and my U-Verse cries out in a predictable entendre every half minute. I also calculated that the money I spend on rent could translate into a Chanel bag each month. I digress.

Even with that, if I had never lived here, I would have always wondered. I'm glad I don't have to wonder. I'm glad I know. There are so many other things that I have copped out of because I was half-hearted or uncertain. Wonder is halting experience. Like a existentialist that assumes he has life figured out because in HIS mind he does. Well of course we all think we are doing things right until we get out, live, interact, and realize that we may be wrong. That is how I feel about my commitment free life; if I am not tied to people or deadlines or plans, I am creating an autonomous reality which will be paralyzing. But, if I free myself from an inward thriving path, I may steadily reach my goals.

Save your goodbyes for the morning light

Currently listening to: James Taylor Greastest Hits
Craving: a corny joke
Thinking: if I sent Henri away like I am currently contemplating, I would actually be more alone. That realization is scarier than any alternative.

Thankful Thursdays

A couple of months ago I got into a pattern of giving myself everything I wanted at the time the desire came. Exhibit A. iPad. B. The amount of Estititians and massage therapists that touched my face and body in October. C. My apartment full of sparkly furniture and accessories. I guess I was all, well if it makes you feel better then you NEED this crystal chandelier.

It has come time to break this habit so that I may regain normalcy, balance, and to pursue my fabulous 2011 beach plans. Any habit needs a replacement. How do you replace the most blissful, therapeutic lifestyle with a new bliss and therapy that doesn't intrude on a healthy budget? No idea. Maybe yoga. Or a hobby. Or a sugar daddy. I feel no need to continue ranting. It is clear I am onto something here.