i can bend and not break

Adults are messy and responsible and distant and busy and perfect and satisfied and committed. Adulthood is scary and full of W-9s and Atkins Diets and mortgages.

I'm afraid of all of those things- especially cutting out the carbs..

Adults see their siblings on holidays and see their parents even less often. Adults face rainy days without fear. They clear their head and make decisions. They raise children, and watch foodTV and go to bed at 9. I watch The Hills, don't make decisions and blog about it, and, since 2001, have made it a point to stay up til at least 1 a.m. Not to mention any child that turns out like me should fear for their sanity.

Somehow, despite my best avoidance techniques I find myself on the home stretch of the grey area in between teenhood and adulthood- filing taxes, paying bills, contemplating decisions I am nowhere near ready for and sacrificing my relationships for adult endeavours. I've surprised myself with the poise with which I've handled this gap.

Correction: I've surprised myself with the quasi-poise in which I've convinced everyone around me that I am a whole person with whole goals and desires. Really I am broken and estranged and an eagle in sheep's clothing. Just bend the pieces 'til they fit, baby.

I would never admit I'm currently listening to Miley Cyrus

I crave solitude, and once it is achieved I want my friends to come bridge the lonliness. I have exactly one pet peeve: liars. I have exactly one bad habit: lying. I go to the grocery store when I'm bored. I don't know what I want and desperately hope that when it comes along I will hold on for dear life. I have a strange relationship with my parents. It goes like this, I need/want/crave/seek for/ and constantly obtain their attention/approval/advice/comedy and goodliness. I also, however, have a learned need to do what people don't expect of me. I am usually able to fight this, but when I don't, all hell breaks loose. I currently sell pest control. It is the greatest, most stressful, most emotionally straining job I have ever had. I am judgmental. My largest inward battle has been to curve my judgments into something productive, like tolerance. I see things as they are. I have an ability to look past deceit, insecurity, and all that stupid crap people put off when they first meet you. Usually. Sometimes I'm just as fooled. People are flawed, and as soon as I realized that, I really started living. Unfortunately, that was just last week so I guess you could say I was born yesterday.

you are what you eat

Being back in provo reminds me that no matter how many hours I spend on the treadmill each day, I will still be delivered the fate of my eating choices as a college student. I would be remiss if I didn't thank everyone that has made it so easy for me to never eat salad, EVER again.

-Nestle Sugar Cookie dough (uncooked, obviously.)- Pillsbury comes in a close second but with Nestle, i can eat an entire tube in a matter of one, depressing, weekend

-

Honore Julien a belgium guy (i believe) who cooked French Fries for Thomas Jefferson therefore introducing them to the United States and therefore making their way into my life. Honorable Mention goes to Chick-fil-a and Wendy's for their ability to master this delicacy

-Whoever came up with cookies-and-cream ice cream- I am impartial to brand, size, or quantity- just put oreos in my vanilla ice cream and turn on an episode of The Hills and I'm set for a good 60 minutes

-Beto's California Burrito- it's only redeeming quality is that i don't like cheese so instead of lard, lard, and lard, it's just lard & lard.

-churros- again, impartial to brand. Maybe its the deep fried thing, maybe its the covered in sugar thing.

-the Wendy's value menu- Wendy's made it on the list twice, with good reason.

-the cute, probably 17-year-old, sandwich-preparer at Subway who gives me a free cookie if i smile at him the right way thus turning my healthy Club sandwich into an unhealthy meal because, naturally, a coke is requisite because free cookies make me thirsty and since i recently read an article about the damaging effects of aspartame (curse you Time Magazine for keeping me informed) i now drink regular soda and BAM cute, 17-year-old just added 500 calories to my meal all because of my smile

-chips. and salsa.

-snickers, twix, twix remix, fast break, 100 grand, junior mints, etc, etc...

Seriously though, what happened to the An-Apple-For-Every-Meal Elyse?

Flashback

He was different than anyone I'd ever involved myself with. He was quirky and funny and surprisingly realistic and upbeat. It took shorter than expected for me to fall. All my previous conceptions about dating and the overall human interaction were questioned and replaced with this euphoric life of sacrifice and love. He taught me by his example the genuine care one person can have for another. He saw me. And not the way the lady at the check-out counter sees me. The way a life long friend and confidante sees me; full of flaws but equally worth some one's affection.

The critics were impressed, but not convinced. Charmed but not smitten. I knew. I knew there was something to come of this different man.

He's gone now and there are lives and new loves and a different haircut and so many other changes. I learned from him to not be afraid of change. I learned to not shy away from being adored. Most of all I learned. For the first time in my life I took an experience and turned it into an instruction, a course on living life fully and loving whole-heartedly. A pivotal, steady, and unforgettable lesson.

nunya

I have three homes. Its a weird, unsettling, confusing fact. I have my apartment, where I rest my head and shower and hang out with my boyfriend and dance around in my underwear and watch movies. I have my parent's house (which for the sake of my mother's abandonment issues, I call home) where I eat dinner on sundays, where my parents hold me after a long day, where I go when I don't want to be alone or when I want to feel unconditional love coming out of my ears.

Then there's Utah. Utah has a special place in my heart because its where I learned to be Me. Its where I stopped caring what people thought and started living my life. Utah is where I made my adult mistakes and made my adult decisions and started eating fast food and sprained my wrist and kissed a whole lot of boys I didn't know and made friends I will never forget. Its home. And today, I'm going to go visit that place. And for 7 days I'm going to be home. And I'm going to miss home. And I'm going to be confused and happy and comfortable all in one week.

lovestruck

Likes: being really incredibly happy and being able to pinpoint the exact circumstance or individual that inspired that elation.

Dislikes: hearing "no, thank you" 326,524,008 times in one week

blame it on the purple dinosaur

Knowledge Gap Hypothesis states that although separated by socio-economic status, children across the spectrum may learn traits from the media, specifically child-targetted television shows and commercials. This phenonenon accounts for certain cross-spectrum trends: obesity, decrease in reading, and violence.

I submit that one thing we all picked up from the media is pain avoidance. How else can you explain such a common thread?

Being the sheltered child I was, I missed out on many seemingly necessary media experiences. Perhaps this will account for my strange relationship with pain.

I was that girl on the playground poking the bee's nest to see if they would bite me. I touched hot curling irons, stepped on poison ivy with my bare feet, and listened to my dad when he said to eat a piece of fruit he picked up off the ground in Hawaii (resulting in a swollen, numb tongue) or jump off that 40 foot cliff cause it wouldn't hurt. (Yeah right, Father. Ever heard of a belly flop? Still painful, 15 years later.)

That trend of pushing my limits carried into adulthood as I give up things because I know it will teach me some lesson (i.e. chocolate for 6 months. The consequence of that? DEPRESSION.)

Most of the time, I think I am just weird. A weird, pain loving masochist. BUT THEN (!) comes the emblazened Rod Dial in my mind searching for any benefit of the doubt to give myself. Here it is.

Pain is God's creation to remind us of our humanity. Pain isn't bad. Pain tells us when to stop. Pain has our back. He wants attention every once in a while, but not too much, and not for prolonged periods of time. Anywhere you are, pain has been there first. He understands that we will flee as soon as we've had enough. He ain't high maintanence. He's got plenty of beaus.

Pain is my freakin' boyfriend, and he's taught me a lot through the years. We're breaking up today because I'm turning over a new leaf. Its called pain-avoidance, a sport participated in by at 6 billion people, and I'm stepping into the ring.

Typical

Kyria stands up after dinner and says she has an announcement. She says that she has finally made a decision about where she's going to college and would like for everyone to listen to her. Cue that special sister ESP eye contact signaling that although she is trying to make a big deal and being all dramatic she has forgotten that earlier that morning, at approx. 5 a.m., while hopped up on energy drinks and hot boys, she had announced to a group of strangers where she was going to college, and I overheard. But, being the team player that I am, I played along.

"I was thinking about it and -blah blah blah- I'm going to Hawaii!"

Mom yips, the boys think that means we're all going to Hawaii so they're excited, Nikka begins calculating how many hours of babysitting equate one round-trip plane ticket. Grandma is confused about the excitement, and Dad stands up and hugs Kyria congratulating her for making a decision. See, my dad is all about decision making. As adults, the decisions we make are rarely criticized, instead we receive heat if we don't make a decision at all.

When all the hustle and bustle died down I said, "Now wait Dad, Kyria just got laude for deciding what she's doing in the fall. Where's my praise? Where's my hug?"

"Let me get this straight, you want a praise for dropping out of college?"

"Hey, its a decision."

"True."

He stands up, comes over to where I am and gives me a hug. He talks so only I can hear and says, "We all know how difficult it is for you to make decisions. Way to go darling."

And then, 5 minutes later, came Grandma's delayed reaction. "Who's going to Hawaii?!?!"

random quotes, thoughts, and other unimportant things

"I don't know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everyone."

Well said Mr. Cosby. If fact, well enough said that for once in my life I have no response. So ponder on that.

Secondly, Apple, teamed up with AT&T, has created a monopoly. It's true. I just saw an advertisement- Which by the way, I love advertisements, I could look at them all day. Just the way they mix images and words to make it appealing is really fantastic and sends me into a tizzy of thoughts about how I would have created the ad and if my way would have been better and if I would have won a Clio- the ad wasn't even for the iPhone but all it said was "Best iPhone Rivals: even if you can't switch carriers yet, you can still enjoy some features of the iPhone." Basically insinuating that we will ALL switch carriers and ALL enjoy EVERY feature of the iPhone because we will someday ALL have the iPhone and Apple will rule the world.

Maybe the reason this maddens me so is because A. monopolies are the antithesis of the free market society which we should all seek and foster in our pursuit of a Perfect! America!. Secondly, I want, need, covet anyone who has, and would give my left kidney to obtain, an iPhone. Curse you consumerism!

note to self:

Aside from not living up to expectations, the hardest feat we will face in this life is letting go. Letting go of pride, sadness, destructive habits, or interactions. Some deal with letting go by creating ties all over, so they will always have someone or something to hold onto. Others shut the world off completely, cut right at the root.

As usual, I have my own way of doing things. I just don't let go, not for the long term at least. When attempting this, I will go through a complete detox process, stick it through the hard part, and then, like a dog to it's vomit, return to the habit, person, or trial.

When you don't let go, you avoid the pain of loss, which is most of the appeal. What is forfeited, however, is the glorious strength of overcoming. The prospect of a lucid heart and mind; free from sadness or pain or unneeded ties.

P.s. "She leaves and I'm alone and I'm surprised to be here and part of me is relieved and part of me is disappointed and part of me is confused and I don't know what I'm going to do. I can either leave or stay. I can either leave or stay? Leaving means going back to addiction and facing either death or Jail. Staying means leaving addiction and facing something that is unknown to me. I'm not sure which scares me more." James Frey

will work for food

i give money to homeless men, i don't care if they're going to buy drugs or sex or alcohol with it, that's on their head. hip/hop is music and does take talent. there's a part of me that will always be 17 years old, because those were the most memorable days of my life. i learn lessons the hard way. i think black men are sexy. i hate spending over $20 on gas or groceries, but i don't flinch at a pair of $200 jeans. if there's a word to describe me, it hasn't been made yet. whatever it is, i bet tim peterson could spell it. seeing my parents makes any day better. everyday i realize i know less than i thought i did the day before. i am completely indecisive; however, i would rather make a decision, have it be the wrong one, and have to back track, than to stay at a standstill waiting to find the right decision. i love to genuinely laugh. if you inspire that reaction for me, i will keep you around. if i could do one thing for the rest of my life it wouldn't be to travel or fish everyday or eat whatever i want. it would be to do exactly what i'm doing and have been doing for the past 20 years. "When I go out of town, I call it a trip because my whole life is a vaction."

Realization

Self interest makes the world go 'round. How sad is that?

its not just good, it's Sonic good

Last night I had an intense craving for a sonic burger, tator tots, an ocean water and one of those reese's blasts. Normally, this sort of craving is satified as quick as it comes with a quick trip to the nearest fast food chain, in this case Sonic. However, for some reason, something inside of me decided to see how far I could push myself. I passed an exit on the freeway with a Sonic. Naturally, I pat myself on the back. Then I saw a sign. Sonic. 2 Miles. Shoot. This gave me 75 seconds to make a decision. Sonic. Yes. or No. Unfortunately there was traffic so my 75 second decision turned into a 15 minute decision. Those were the longest, most ambivalent, 15 minutes of my life. A simple decision of where to eat turned into one of my famous "what am I going to do with my life" pondering sessions. What does the Sonic represent? Is it a big deal to have 1 burger? Is this a habit? Will the next True Life: I'm Obese be about me? Or will I go home, prepare some salad, and go to bed with an hungered stomach but a mind full of dopamine and vitamin k? Could I give up fast food completely and live forever in a perfect, toned, skinny body? If my future kids crave sonic at 10 o'clock at night will I let them go? Will I have refined sugars in the house or only healthy snacks? What about ice cream, does ice cream count?

Finally, the moment of reckoning came. The exit was getting closer- 1/4 mile, then 100 yards, then I could see it, then it was time to turn my blinker on. Then, as though I grew up all in one instant I passed right by that exit and went home.

Pat on the freakin' back.

And for dinner I did have salad. Oh, and ice cream.

Still, it's progress.

hope

Coldplay's latest album Viva la Vida or Death And All Of His Friends is my umbrella for the next few months of emotional rain. I encourage all who appreciate talent and ingeniuty in their choice of lyrics and melody to treat yourself to Viva la Vida.