Babel by Mumford and Sons

When the new Mumford and Sons cd came out a few months ago, I was a bit disappointed. It didn't really speak to me the way past Mumford has. I blamed myself, mostly, because there is no way they can produce anything besides mind blowing perfection. Admittedly, I didn't put in the time to appreciate it.. Usually when I get new music, I spend an hour laying in bed with the lights off listening to it and deciding how I feel (ex. Thank Me Later, Speak Now, Sigh No More, anything Alanis Morissette and Tha Carter III), which I didn't do with Babel.

 

On Wednesday I decided to revisit and attempt to recapture the emotion of the music. Laying in bed with the lights off doesn't feel like an option these days, so I decided to get on the treadmill and not get off until I had fallen in love.

 

..on a side note, I'm going to start approaching relationships with the vigilance I do music.

 

Here's my take.

 

Favorite songs:

5. I Will Wait

4. Below My Feet

3. Lover's Eyes

2. Not With Haste

1. Lover in the Light

Bonus Fav: Reminder

I want Lover in the Light to play at my wedding.

Below my Feet reminds me of my relationship with my dad over the last 2 years.

Not with Haste is the ideal anthem for my life.

So glad I put in the time to fall for it. Been on repeat ever since. I highly recommend you purchase this album.

on love.

At dinner the other night my friend overheard a comment I made in passing to Carly and repeated it loud.

"What?! You don't believe you can be in love?"

Out of context, albeit, we began a conversation that has been on my mind for a couple of weeks. The premise of that conversation being that when you are supremely out of love, it is hard to remember what it feels like to be on the opposite side of the spectrum.

"Elyse, I've SEEN you in love. I know you know you can fall in love," he continues.

Yes. Yes. I remember the feelings, but it's just so different every time.

The problem is I've only ever felt selflessly in love once. And it was dangerous and unrequited, so I can not picture the type of relationship that I dream about. I can't picture what I will do or say or what he will want, because it's a stranger to me. In a way, I am happy about this. If I had the kind of relationship I truly want and then lost it, that would be the ultimate tragedy.

sunny and bright and beautiful

this weekend was spent in California with the woman who raised me.

my mom. such a babe. she cracks me up. our relationship has changed quite a bit over the last couple of years and today we just have a good time most of the time. she brings out a very silly side of me, and i her, to where we end up laughing really hard a lot.

i'm so grateful for a mother who allows her 25 year-old daughter to call her Mommy, who shares my love of hotel beds and netflix, who is working really hard to not be too "matchy matchy", who listens and talks and loves hard.

BELIEF

remember the last election day? my first time voting? when my boyfriend broke up with me for the day because he was racist? and then took me to the Four Seasons for dinner because he felt bad? that was silly.

this time i'm humbled and grateful to be apart of the free world. the nation that was founded upon our ability to act, believe, and vote how we want. i'm feeling tolerant of people who disagree with me, and especially tolerant of my past self who i don't agree with now.

i've been listening to Belief by John Mayer today. this is my reminder that everyone believes in how they think it ought to be. the goal is not to believe in the same thing, the goal is to find commonalities and peace among our differences.

If you don't want to watch, at least read it:

 

Is there anyone who

Ever remembers changing there mind from

The paint on a sign?

Is there anyone who really recalls

Ever breaking rank at all

For something someone yelled real loud one time

 

Everyone believes

In how they think it ought to be

Everyone believes

And they're not going easily

 

Belief is a beautiful armor but makes for the heaviest sword

Like punching under water you never can hit who you're trying for

 

 Some need the exhibition

And some have to know they tried

It's the chemical weapon

For the war that's raging on inside

 

Everyone believes

From emptiness to everything

Everyone believes

And no ones going quietly

 

We're never gonna win the world we're never gonna stop the war

We're never gonna beat this if belief is what we're fighting for

Blue Hair, Don't Care

first time for everything

I have never really been into Halloween. But this year I found a costume I couldn't deny. So I went ALL OUT. Pictures to follow..

hump day

I have all these thoughts in my head that need a place to land. They need space to breathe, or the ability to exist without judgment. My mind is not that place.

days go by

This weekend marked the 53rd year since my Dad was born. I've been thinking for a while exactly what that means. Does any day of the year make a difference in the fact that I have learned to miss him every other day? Does it mean that we celebrate or that we mourn? Is this day any different than the days before it? Can someone tell me how to feel?

A birthday is a day to celebrate and express gratitude for someone, their life and the memories you've shared. When I host a birthday dinner I always make the attendees go around and say something they love about the person. Since my daily routine usually emcompasses reminders of things I love about my dad, the day passed without incident or intense emotion. However, I find myself looking back and again asking if someone could tell me how to feel?

I'm finding peace in a passage of scripture from the Book of Mormon:

Mosiah 16:8 The grave hath no victory, and the sting of death is swallowed up in Christ.

The Answer Is Within You

This is the reminder that when you're feeling too anxious to function the answer is not to shop or stop eating or watch tv or leave town or complain to a therapist.

The answer is a belly deep laugh with friends, or a pink yoga mat, or giving yourself permission to take a nap because when you wake up life will still exist.

A couple of years ago, I ventured to a city and spent the best weekend ever shopping, exploring, and eating. Last weekend, I took a trip to that same city, but this time was accompanied by my besties Kyria and Carly.

My Favorite Parts were:

• Staying at the amazing Renaissance Hotel in downtown Seattle
• Drinking from the fountains of Seattle's Best Coffee (Triple Chocolate for the girls and Passion Tea for myself)
• Shopping at the Nordstrom Flagship and Humongous Nordstrom Rack (on 3 separate occasions)
• Eating at every top YELP rated restaurant we could lay our eyes on
• Making friends with the famous fish throwers in Pike Place Market
• Being hit on every 7 seconds because my friends are beautiful
• Meeting a cab driver who offered to be our personal driver next time we come to town
• Having Sunday brunch on Bainbridge Island
• Dancing our hearts out in Belltown with the most beautiful people in the country (and meeting my soul mate/ new long distance lover)
• Eating atop the Space Needle for a late Saturday dinner, and then returning (for FREE) on Sunday to see the city on an abnormally clear day
• Taking a walking food tour around Pike Place Market and tasting everything from Fruit to Cheese to Smoked Salmon
• Eating a lot and compensating by walking 50,000 steps (Thank you FitBit) in sunny 70 degree weather
• And finally, hanging out with Carly and Kyria who make me laugh harder than anyone ever did.

 

 

 

I think we belong there.

wake up in the morning get my smash[box] on

I've been spending the last year (and hundreds of dollars) trying to find the perfect tinted mousturizer. Last winter, I abandoned my long used and trusted Bare Escentuals foundation for something more natural and age fighting (albeit expensive). Somehow, the greats; Laura Mercier ($45), Trish McEvoy ($60) and Josie Maran ($40) all let me down. A couple weeks ago I walked out of Sephora with the discovery that there was a woman with baby porcelain skin ready to be broken out of jail and the key was Smashbox Camera Ready BB Cream.

 

BB Cream is sold as a Mousturizer, Primer, and Foundation, although, with the harshness of Utah climate I still mousturize like a boss.

 

Rather than making everyone go through what I did, I thought I would share. You're welcome.

traveling

Politics. Conventions. Opinions. Blah. Everyone is so heated. I mean, I get it, this is our life and our future and I find myself getting involved in a lot of the different conversations.


BUT. THEN. This week I was in Virginia and hopped over to spend some time in DC. Walking aroung a city rich with culture, heritage, and patriotism my paradigm shifted. Ultimately, the reason behind political turmoil is that people have different interpretations of Freedom. Just like people have different interpretations of Religion. At the end of the day I don't have to stress about agreeing with everyone. I get to learn, appreciate other views, and just be GRATEFUL that there is FREEDOM to interpret.

life ain't always what you think it should be

I believe in a plan that extends beyond what we see in our immediate presence. I believe that death is part of a plan that was constructed long ago by a loving Heavenly Father who knows a lot more about the importance of this step than I could ever hope to. I believe in life after death.

The great paradox of life is that, even with all my beliefs, I can't help but be sad that my grandmother; the strongest, funniest, tallest, most beautiful woman I have ever met, has passed from the life I live in. The life where I get to see her with my mortal eyes and hear her with my mortal ears.

I'm worried. I'm worried about my mom. I'm worried about my younger siblings who didn't know her like I did. I'm worried about her friends and family who don't believe in the things I do. Where do they find their peace? Where do they get their closure? Will this make them believe?

She had a special relationship with everyone she met. So many people will grieve her death because so many people considered her their best friend. She could talk to someone for 20 minutes and make them feel like they were understood, that they had just made a friend for life.

I am so grateful to have so many examples of incredibly kind and strong women in my life. My hope is that instead of mourning the loss, I will be able to spend my time becoming the person I want to be; a person that is more like her.

everything is precious

...that's what's in my mind today

a note to my sisters, my daughters, and myself

Yesterday I was discussing "The List" with one of my coworkers. You know, "The List" that every woman has in her mind (the more vigilant ones have it in writing) that says what they will not put up with. On hers, "chewers of green gum". A little cray, but you know what- more power to you woman. If you want to create non- negotiables, go ahead, and be picky: Don't settle.

I find myself craving, and, more often than not, achieving, solitude. So many times I fight the feeling "I just want to be alone" because I've made committments like being a good friend or being a star employee. It used to be a scary feeling for me because I would think 'will i ever NOT want to be alone' which leads to thoughts of 'will I always be alone?' and 'will I ever get married?'. Not rational except for the fact that most of my relationships had been laced with a variable loss of self awareness and personal security, so you can't blame me. Until, one time I was with a man and I experienced the feeling of not wanting to be alone, I wanted to be with him. The empowerment, the peace, and the self confidence I felt while I was alone was still there when he was around, so that even in our demise i gained something from him that I cherish as an invaluable lesson; Don't settle.

Also, I like to travel. I like to eat 3 bites of an expensive meal. I like my rap loud and meaninful- unless my mood changes; then I like it slow and romantic. I like to go to bed late and wake up early. I like to wear 5 inch heels to the park. I like to sit and listen to the wind. I like to do everything that I like to do at the moment I want to do it : Dont settle.

what a difference a day makes

this time yesterday i was tired

this time last week i was worried

this time last month i was in a different State

this time last season i was hopeful

this time last year i was hopelessly in love

what a difference a day makes.

We Were Both Young When I First Saw You

I can count on less than one hand how many times I've fallen in love. In fact, I can't really count considering once love ends it almost feels like it didn't happen. It's like, you spend time so much time trying to forget that it actually works. In hindsight, I'm grateful for the opportunities to get to know and love myself through others. I appreciate my ability to see the potential in someone else, and someone else's ability to love me inspite of all the Elyse-ness that happens.

In a time when I find myself craving solitude, I can't help but be grateful, because that craving means that I get to experience it all.

summer wish list

take a weekend getaway

visit Rodney and Kylee in NYC

attend the twilight concert series at Liberty Park

run up Capital Hill 15 times

go camping

hike 30+ times

happy day, friends.

Always thinking

Better today than yesterday

Cant' sleep without a dream

it is seldom that i write about my faith. my blog tends to be the place where i write about things i don't talk about; family, love, feeeelings.. but my faith is something i find myself ALWAYS discussing, and, sadly, often defending, so i don't need an outlet as much. over the past week, however, i have had the discussion with many friends of why God allows bad things to happen, and i feel like my thoughts have been scrambled every time this topic comes up and i just want to scream "BECAUSE THAT'S LIFE! HAVE FAITH!"... i'm calm now, so i'll write.

1. what we deem as "bad" is not the same as what God deems as "bad"

i am not referring to commandments. i believe in an absolute law (albeit, with different interpretations) I believe in right and wrong, and i believe that God's laws are eternal. When i say 'bad' i mean those things that if you were to say "this is the worst thing that could possibly happen to me", that is a simple-minded, very human perspective. Usually, when bad things happen and we want to blame God, it's really that we have a limited perspective.


2. I believe that there are 3 reasons why we are tested.

• First- to grow
• 2nd- because of our own decisions
• Third (and most painful)- because of the decisions of others.

if God were a god who did not allow us to be affected by the agency of others, he would in turn be taking away someone else's agency. this helps me begin to accept the perils of poverty, rape, abortion, war, etc. Satan asked for no one to be effected by any one elses decision, he asked for everyone to do the right thing always. he, in turn, asked for more control. in giving more control to our decisions, he shows his faith in us.

3. I have faith. I believe that when bad things happen, you have the choice to allow your god the opportunity to give you a purpose or understand beyond your minimal scope. i believe that people who daily suffer challenges that are beyond the scope of anything i could ever imagine to encounter, are choice souls who also find peace with their lot, and find peace that God loves them and will reward them a hundred fold for their endurance.

people who say it better than me:

War and Peace article

BeliefNet: Different Religious Perspectives

We Count Them Happy Which Endure

my past and my future depends on today

On Tuesday I had plans to do a lot of things, and about 4 pm I realized I would not be able to do those things and still keep a smile on my face. It was like I knew that everything I had accomplished that day was enough. I attended to my responsibilities at work, went home and did the things I absolutely needed to do, and then allowed myself the opportunity to shut down mentally. I listened to myself. Lately, I've been ignoring myself. I've been saying, "I don't want to feel that, so I'm not going to" or "I don't want to, but I should- so I will." My therapist used to tell me that 'should' was the word that controlled me, and perhaps there was something else I could find as motivation.

Many times there are things that have to be done that you don't want; this exists as a reality and, in many ways, is what makes life worth living. But there are sometimes you just have to say- Enough. What you have done is enough, it's time to listen to a different voice, the one that is knocking from the inside.

The rest of the story goes that I went to Redbox and couldn't decide between two movies so I got both of them and watched them on my couch and gave myself a manicure and ate homemade salsa. That night, I went to sleep alone to the sound of my clear head.

faces i love

routine

I love the feeling of coming back from a trip. Today, I washed every piece of laundry in my home. I had a green smoothie for breakfast and a sandwich for lunch. I slept in my king bed with my legs kicking in every which direction. I used my full size face wash and moisturizer and body lotion. I returned all my emails and voicemails before 10 am. I made plans for this week for the gym, dinner, or yoga with friends.

I love routine. I love knowing what's going to happen tomorrow and I love planning my bedtime and creating a todo list. The spontaneity of vacation is exhillarating, but I love my life too much to want to constantly escape.

Grateful for...

my college degree
my hair
warm weather
the view from my living room
the person who i am becoming
my career
my momma
rickross

sunday

She used to tell me stories about myself. She would tell me about things I didn't remember; about the day I became a big sister, about the day my parents got married, about her brothers and sister. Fast forward 15 years and I get to tell her stories; about herself, about her kids, and about me.

The woman who taught me to never stop working, is now teaching me patience. She is content sitting on the patio watching humming birds for 45 minutes.

Even so, with all that has changed without her permission, what maintains is her love, her courage, and the quality I've always admired most about her- without speaking, she commands the attention of every room she enters.

Please help me in thanking my Mom for her candor, excitement, and strength.

An Announcement.

if i proofread this i will delete everything

Today would have been my parents 27th wedding anniversary. I say would have been because I don't know exactly how to describe the relationship because my very alive mother and my father who has passed on. Describe? Is that what I need to do? Believe. That's it. I believe they are still married I believe they still exist as a couple as well as individuals. I believe that celebrating their anniversary is still something we should all do. I also believe that when my mother remarries the man who now exists in our lives in the flesh just like the other one did that she will also be married to my Dad. My dad exists for eternity and her friend exists in our immediate present. We can all take a deep breath knowing she is happy and that life goes on after tragedy.

When I was 18 my dad wrote a song for me called "Be You." The message of the song, which I haven't listened to in 3 years, is to find out who you are and love that person, find out who God is and love Him, and to develop traits you would like to have. Lately, the answer to every question I ask myself is, "Be You."

When I was 21 I worked for my dad. He was my favorite boss because of his transparency, hard work, and integrity. He was so strong and respected but it wasn't because he was a strong armer. It was because he was smart and right. I love that. That is the kind of business woman I want to be. Smart and right. And when I'm wrong, I want to embrace the ideas of those around me to find the best solution.

All of my questions are answered by what he taught me. Sometimes I forget what he would say so I do the wrong thing. But today, I remember.

untitled

       Last night I got into a conversation with a good friend about the future of our relationship. The interaction made me feel trapped and I had to end the conversation by saying, "I'm sorry, I can't willingly allow myself to complicate this relationship with any more feelings than I already have". And now, all day I have been thinking about the fact that, for me, stronger emotions equates complication. There are people who strive to fall in love because that means peace and joy and security. For me, I strive to maintain my independence because that renders peace and joy and security. Frankly, I don't believe one is wrong or right. There is a time and place for all of the million emotions I feel in a day. I care deeply for my peers, I care deeply for myself, and I care deeply for the world around me; and right now, that is where my peace lies.

Dear Dad,

I couldnt sleep last night because I am so happy. I am so excited about the things that are coming up in my life. I don't feel like I deserve for everything to work out as well as it has. But I accept the blessings, of course.

And yet, with all the peace and joy, somewhere in me there is a discontentment. It is a fear that I am not doing as well as I think. Maybe it's facade and tomorrow I will wake up in shambles. Maybe it will be at the end of my next beginning, maybe it will be when mom remarries, maybe it will be when my children ask about you. I don't know when, but I know that I will feel again the feelings I worked so hard to overcome.

For now, I will enjoy the joy and peace that is coming, because that's what you did. Live everyday like it is special. Treat everyone like they are special. Be patient and optimistic. Just like you said to be.

Love, Mo.

the perks of living with another person

she has impeccable taste in music, and buys every good album. she also watches horrible television and can talk about it with a straight face. any given saturday night she will chug an energy drink and go to a club or take a tylenol pm and fall asleep to the television. she always asks how i'm feeling and then asks again if i lie to her. as i was writing this, she sent me an email asking if we could make a fort out of my bed when we move in.

Look at me

Things I learned this week:

• Don Draper likes to sleep alone because when he turns to the other side of the bed in the night it's cold and feels shockingly nice.
• When I'm visiting my home state I miss my current home state. It's a settling feeling.
• Sometimes "moving on" really means just coming to peace with the way you feel
• Peace comes from adaptation.

I ain't from Dallas but I D-town Boogie

I wouldn't consider myself very rebellious as a teenager. In fact, there were very few things I did that deviated from my parent's expections of me... That standard was hard to maintain as I got older, but up until I was about 17 I was the poster child for obedience.

My biggest 'rebellion' stemmed from a group a boys who lived in Dallas, about 3 hours away from my home. I don't remember if I was in love with any certain one of them or with the group of them or with the idea that they were very infatuated with me... All I remember was that in between my busy social calendar senior year I would always try to find time to drive up and see one or all of them... Sometimes with.. and sometimes without my parents knowing.

This memory stems from the fact that today I am headed to Dallas. In 2004, if I was going to Dallas the days leading up to my trip were filled with fervent anticipation. Although this is a work trip, the city that in my adolescence caused so much trouble for me still gives me a bit of excitement to visit.

super

Someday, somewhere, some man is going to look at a picture of me and say "I'm so glad I wifed that woman."

Thoughts on thoughts

When you ultimately make that decision to be with one person forever, you are signing up for not only their love, but their trials and vices. You are consenting to help them through the things that they previously had a hard time getting through on their own. As I've begun to go down the road of progressing with my relationships, I am finding out what trials I am willing to sign up for. I don't need to allow myself to suffer the consequences of decisions that I haven't made.

The Atonement encompasses everyone and the power to change is real. Admittedly, more real to me right now is my power to choose what I want to take on from my partner.

got marriage (aversion) on the mind

Upon learning that Carly and I were going to be living together again, my mother said "do you think that will hinder you from getting married?"

I'm going to let you take a moment to ponder that....

I eased my mom's concern by saying Carly and I are both very independent and will still do things separately. Although we did just book flights to Hawaii together so that delays marriage another couple months. Is this a good time to announce my 5-year plan that does not include getting married?

when life gives you lemons, pack your bags and take a trip with your BFF

I took a trip to Chicago this weekend to visit my Brother and Sister-In-Law. With all the craziness going on this year it was good to just relax, eat, site-see, and sleep with a view of the Chicago Sky Line. Rodney and Kylee are moving in a couple of months so I'm glad I went to see them once more before they leave. We saw everything there is to see about the city and ate at 11 restaurants in 3 days... So.., the indicators that I had a good weekend are a camera full of pictures, and a way too tight pair of jeans. Let's ignore the jeans and focus on the pictures.

• Major highlight, hanging with my little love muffin, Carly. This is on a Water Taxi we took to get home one afternoon. Does your city have water taxis? ..because they are magical.
• When Rodney and Kylee were engaged they were known to photo bomb EVERY picture they were in. We thought they grew out of it. Really ruined this picture of us four at The Bean in Millenium Park. They are too funny.
• On Monday Carly and I had a "competition" to see who could spend $100 in Nordstrom before the other person. I left empty handed and Carly hit the jackpot. Definitely a first for me.
• Everyone must visit Bijan Bistro downtown- preferrably after midnight when the crowd is reallly having a good time. I am normally not that much of a night owl (or a night carnivore- we ordered the Ribeye) but #YOLO and #VRA (vacation rules apply). Going out late on vacation is a must-do because we ended up laughing the entire time, mostly because Carly would say funny things like this.
• And of course, the beautiful Chicago Skyline, accompanied by unseasonably warm temperatures made this the perfect weekend getaway!

thursday

i practice yoga, remember? it's like the best part of my lifestyle. also the best part of my day. three days a week i attend the class of a man named Micah who is sexy and smart and really in tune with my soul. He has a couple of catch phrases. Here's one:

"you are always one breath away from hand stand and one breath away from child's pose."

been thinking about that lately as life keeps dishing out some surprises and blessings and interesting outcomes. I am never one breath away from having my legs kicked out from underneath me and then getting invited to Hawaii.

Nicknames

Kyria and I have a reputation of giving people nicknames and them sticking. Here's some examples:

• Lauren Wright (Formerly Quesenberry): LQ, Larq, Lark, Larkin, Larkinberry, Qball
• Kyria Dial: Kiks, Kiki, Kikikins, Kinz, McKenzie, Mac, Mom, Ma, Mama
• Sir Henri Wentworth: SpecialSauce, Foxface, Furrball, Dumbass,
• Nikka Dial: Squeaks, Squeakers
• Carly Williams: Wee Wee, Carkeyz (not original but it stuck), babygirl, lover nugget, Crewmie, Mom, Mama, Ma, Mami, Willaims
• Melissa Layland: Crouton, smellorac, Elyse-Dials-Executive-Assistant and of course melorac (she gave that one to herself actually) (who does that?)
• Bailey High: Bails, Schmails, Schmelly, Smelly, Elyse-wannabe
• Jessica Maloney: yomaloney, yomo, yono, maloney, malone
• Luke Dial: Skeletor, LJ, Luigi, Sweegi, Sweegimous, Sweegimousity, Jimmer, Mr. Fredette
• Rod Dial: P Diddy, P Daddy, Daddy-Oh, Dr. Love, Did, Ditto.
• Everyone: nugget, nuggetville USA, meowmix
  
  But I think the best one so far, is that of a new friend of the family. His name is Richard Davies. Most of his friends call him Rick. My mom calls him Davies. Neither Kyria or I could remember or liked the name Rick so we have two nicknames for him;
  
  Rickross
  &
  Santorum.
  
  Both are used interchangably and will never go away. Welcome to the crew Santorum.
  
  
  

...like a brick is sitting on your chest

I was on Linkedin the other day and reconnected with a couple of my colleagues from Bimbo. It felt like the first time I got on Facebook after high school- I was giddy with nostalgia. I was only at BBU for a year, but it felt like forever. Perhaps this was because I worked the equivalent of 18 months during that year.

My time in the bread business seems like a huge part of my life, and in many ways it was. As I was reconnecting with the executives I am fortunate enough to consider friends, I started to miss that life. I felt so in control of my future. I felt like I knew exactly where my career was going. I felt appreciated by most of the people around me and I felt like everyone wanted to see me succeed.

Here's the truth:
I did feel in control of my future- but not my emotions or habits or relationships.
I did know exactly where my career was going- a place that was not conducive to family or kids or balance.
I did feel like everyone wanted to see me succeed- but at what cost?

Let me be clear- my job was my saving grace during that time. I didn't have time to address my limitations because I was too busy trying to be perfect in the way that I thought was important. I hadn't yet learned how to separate my job from my life so my job was my life. I internalized everything. Rather than accepting small, imminent hurdles that I considered defeat, I took everything personally and let it paralyze me for hours or days at a time. I loved the rush that came on the good days and the ability to spend and do whatever I wanted. But I also love trips with my family and friends, leaving the office by 6 o'clock on Friday and not thinking about it again until Monday, and being able to think about something besides bread.

Roll away your stone I'll roll away mine
Together we can see what we will find

Don't leave me alone at this time,
for I'm afraid of what I will discover inside

You told me that I would find a hole
With the fragile substance of my soul

And I have filled this void with things unreal
And all the while my character it steals

jan 2011

it feels like a brick was sitting on my chest, or like i had swallowed an apple whole. i was alone because i preferred it that way. it was 4 am. why am i awake. my answer didn't come until i looked at my calendar- i had a 5:30 meeting. i asked my mind how long this would last because i needed to be able to do my hair. my mind didn't have an answer because she wasn't functioning. she was asking me when i was going to pay attention to my emotions. i thought if i called justin he might be able to tell me to snap out of it, i would only listen if he said it. he was asleep. i forgot we hadn't talked in weeks. that made me upset.

i went to my yoga mat. i just lay there. sometimes when i get on my yoga mat i automatically start breathing slow. that would be a welcomed break from these short choppy noises that indicated my attempt to squeeze air in and out of my lungs. when that didn't work i put on my tennis shoes. i ran up to the roof. back down to the bottom. back to the top. back down. i repeated this until my knees buckled.

i got in the shower. maybe if i went through the motion i could evade this panic. immediately, standing became the most arduous task so i sat down in the hot water rain. eventually, i got back in bed. my sheets felt soft. henri was awake by now. poor guy. i wish i wasn't alone. then i'm glad i'm alone because this isn't me.

in the months after this moment, when people comment on my strenght i want to tell them about that morning.. that feeling. that weakness within me that causes my emotions to explode into one horrible momentary lapse in the ability to think or breathe.

The Open Road

I've been feeling very settled and committed here in Salt Lake. I have favorite restaurants and favorite friends and a routine.  Then I remembered the storage space in Austin Texas that houses the remains of the last time I committed to a place. A bed and dressers and shelves and table and chairs and dishes. The proof of my life that resides in my memory as a paradox between the best time in my life and the hardest time I would ever hope to experience. 

...And it's days like this that I think of curling up in my bed in downtown Austin with my lovely dog and hot tea and living in my solitude. 

babe, I know that its your soul but could you bottle it up?

While getting my haircut yesterday I got into an intense conversation with my stylist about life. She said something that stuck with me:

"People are only as healthy as their darkest secret."

Think about that for a second.. I have a lot of thoughts but not able to eloqently deliver them yet. to be continued...

Thine Approval On Us Shine

My gauge of whether or not I'm happy in my life is if I'm in a situation where I have the ability to progress... Unhappiness comes from stagnation; stagnant emotions, stagnant job, stagnant relationship.

I realized today that the reason I am so unexplainably happy is that there are opportunities for progression in every area of my life. The excitement and hope for that is creating a deep rooted feeling of joy.

Flashback

When I was a sophomore in high school I had a crush on a senior from a neighboring high school. We had mutual friends and he was dreamy and I had just grown boobs, so obviously we were perfect.

I don't know how or why this happened, but at some point in our juvenile relationship he began wearing a small green wrist band that I gave him. It was small enough to be forgettable, but Lime Greem enough for me to notice.

Only his friends and my friends knew what it meant, however, it was the deepest form of commitment that I needed. It was an unspoken display of security.

Ten years later, I am wondering how to muster that courageous naivety so as to feel secure from such a small token.

bootywurk

A couple of years ago the Dial women entered into a Diet Challenge, (wrote about it here). Midway through the competition, Kyria and I moved back to Utah and lived together. We dedicated ourselves to a very clean diet (with the exception of dates at Steak Houses) and spent our free time at the gym. For a number of reasons we kept our passes to Lifetime Fitness, which was over 30 minutes from our apartment. Everyday after school and work we would make the trek to South Jordan and spend 3-4 hours at the gym. We scoped on the regulars, got to know the trainers, took classes, etc.

We BREATHED Lifetime Fitness.

Kyria and I often look back on that time with fond memories. We didn't date. We didn't party. We went to the gym. So, with this background, you can imagine the joy we felt yesterday when we decided to return to LT together and recommitt to the best gym in the world.

I'm happy to say that since 2009 I have taken on a more realistic approach to my health, and therefore, this is not going to turn back into one of those excessive gym additions. I will say, however, after being back at Lifetime Fitness, it's a wonder any other gym is still in business.

Music

I have been listening to the same songs for the past 24 hours. I think it's pretty telling of how my year is going so far.

A sexy song, a tender song, and a wedding song. Heaven help me.

Thank You iTunes

Top 5 Sad Songs

5. black + blue christina perri

4. fall for your type jamie foxx

3. one more night the stars

2. after the storm mumford and sons

1. bad diary days pedro the lion

Top 5 Love Songs

5. the beacon a fine frenzy

4. so special lil wayne

3. make you feel my love garth brooks

2. just in time elizabeth and the catapult

1. one and only adele

Top 5 Anytime songs

5. we looked like giants death cab for cutie

4. anything can happen wyclef jean

3. run taylor swift

2. wouldn't get far the game

1. baby don't fabolous